


In Another Life

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Soul Bond, Spock POV, Starfleet Academy, T'hy'la, Tarsus IV, Teen Angst, Vulcan, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-02 04:46:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 36,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4046545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Spock have known each other since Jim was eight and Spock ten as Jim's mother was stationed on Vulcan for five years. When Winona Kirk's assignment is changed, they are separated, but they vow this will not be the end for them. After all they are bonded.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Which We Must Endure

Spock found Jim standing on top of a hill overlooking the city center. The young boy’s back was to Spock, but he could see Jim had his arms crossed in front of him and the boy was trembling. Spock felt an answering ache in his side as he stepped up to Jim.

“I have been looking all over for you.”

Jim glanced Spock’s way, his bottom lip wobbling. His clear blue eyes were filled with unshed tears. He turned his head away, back to gaze out over the city.

“My mother just informed me,” Spock said, softly. He heard the waver in his own voice, unable to control his own distress at the news.

“It’s so unfair,” Jim said in a choked voice.

Spock agreed. Wholeheartedly, he agreed. But he was the older of them. It was up to him to try and make the best of this. And then there was the matter of Jim being his bondmate. He must make things right for his mate. As much as he was able to, anyway.

“Your mother has no choice, Jim. She must go where Starfleet orders her to go.”

For the past five years, Commander Winona Kirk had been stationed on Vulcan, where she lived with her young sons, George Samuel and James Tiberius. Their residence had been next door to that of Spock’s parents, Sarek, and his wife, Amanda, a human. Jim had been only eight when they’d moved in while Spock had been ten.

Initially leery of each other, Spock and Jim had become very close friends. So close in fact, that they had formed a bond, a mental link, as was common among Vulcans, and their parents had accepted this as the way it was to be. When Jim was nine and Spock eleven, they had partaken of the initial bonding ceremony generally conducted between Vulcan children. Their bond and their friendship had become even closer.

Now Jim was thirteen and Spock fifteen. And they were to be parted. Temporarily, Spock knew, but the revelation that they would no longer be next door to each other was painful for both of them. Jim’s mother, a Starfleet research scientist, had received word that she was to be reassigned to a planet called Tarsus IV. Logically she intended to take her sons with her.

“I hate Starfleet.”

“What about your resolve to join it one day yourself and command a starship?”

Jim wiped at his eyes. “I changed my mind.”

“Jim.” Spock put his hands on Jim’s arms and turned Jim to face him. “It is unwelcome news for both of us. But we are still bonded. We will still have our link and we can message each other every day.”

“It’s not the same, Spock. She’s such a bitch.”

“You do not mean that.”

“Yeah, I do. I asked her if I could stay here with your parents and you and she said no. I have to go with her. It’s so unfair,” Jim said again.

It had not even occurred to Spock to ask if Jim could stay with them but when Jim mentioned he had and been refused, Spock could not deny feeling disappointed.

“She is doing what she feels is right for you and your brother.”

A tear leaked from Jim’s right eye.

Spock reached up to wipe it with his thumb. “It will be all right. This will change nothing for either of us.”

“How can you say that? This changes everything.” Jim pulled away from Spock and turned his back. “When I look out my bedroom window, I won’t see you looking out yours anymore. Remember how great that was? Even when you weren’t there at first, I’d wait for you and call your name.”

“And we would talk well into the night until either my mother or yours told us to be quiet and go to sleep.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. How can we give that up, Spock?”

Spock did not know. “We have been given no choice.”

“And that’s why this sucks. Adults get to decide what is good for us. We can’t have any say in the matter.”

“One day we will,” Spock tried to assure his mate.

Jim turned back to Spock. “What if you forget me?”

Spock would have laughed if Vulcans allowed themselves to feel humor. “I could no more forget you than I could forget myself, Jim. You are my t’hy’la. My bondmate. You are in my mind and I am in yours.”

“Yeah, but—”

“I will not forget you, Jim. Ever.”

He licked his lips and nodded. “Okay. But what if you find someone else you like better?”

“Someone else I like better?”

“A girl. Or a Vulcan. Or a Vulcan girl.”

Spock shook his head. “There will be no one else for me. I know you know this, Jim. You have studied Vulcans and their telepathic links since you have been here. You are distressed and not thinking clearly.”

“But if you get to talking to someone—”

“There is no possible way I will ever be with anyone else but you, Jim.”

“If you’re sure,” Jim said in a small voice.

“I am sure.”

Jim stepped close to Spock and then waited for Spock’s arms to come around him. Spock pulled Jim close.

“I don’t want to go.”

“I know,” Spock said against Jim’s blond hair. “But you are being very brave.”

Jim huffed a laugh. “No, I’m not.”

“Come, your mother was concerned for you. She will be worried until she knows you are safe.” Spock took Jim’s hand in his. There was no one on the hill but them and no one to see. This would never be proper behavior in public. For that matter, their hug was not either. But Spock allowed Jim liberties he would allow no one else and as long as they were only affectionate in private, it would be fine.

Once they were down the hill, Spock released Jim’s hand. It was only a short walk from the hill and city to their homes. The two of them had made the walk numerous times. It was safe to walk anywhere on Vulcan by themselves but Spock could not help but wonder if it would be safe for Jim on Tarsus IV. He would be concerned for his mate. Sometimes Jim was reckless.

A reckless Jim could be fairly controlled on Vulcan, especially with Spock always by his side. But Spock had no direct knowledge of Tarsus IV, though he fully intended to research it before Jim and his family would leave.

Winona Kirk was waiting outside of their house when Jim and Spock approached. She came over to Jim and gave him a brief hug. “I was worried.”

“Sorry,” Jim mumbled.

She smiled. “I know you are, honey.” She looked past Jim to Spock. “Thank you, Spock, for finding him.”

Spock nodded. “I will see you later, Jim.”

“Bye, Spock.”

He watched as the Kirks went into their house. Within a week, Jim would leave Vulcan. Spock had not been without him for five years. He exhaled very slowly, and then went into his own house.

“Spock, is that you?” Mother called from the kitchen.

“Yes, Mother. I located Jim and returned him home. ” Spock made his way to the kitchen where Mother was preparing their evening meal.

“I knew you would find him right away.” Mother gave him one of her gentle smiles. “How are you feeling, Spock?”

“I am adequate.”

“I know you must be upset at least a little at the news.”

“To be upset would be illogical as it would not change the outcome.”

Mother nodded. “I suppose that is true enough. But it’s all right if you are, you know. I think even your father would understand. Jim is your best friend as well as your bondmate.”

“It will not be forever,” Spock replied, perhaps in an effort to convince himself. If Commander Kirk were stationed on Tarsus IV for five years as she had on Vulcan, Jim would be eighteen and Spock twenty. It seemed like a long time from now, even if it was not forever.

“You really like him,” Mother said.

“You know that I do,” Spock said with extreme patience.

She smiled again. “I do know. But it surprises me sometimes. Still. I’m just an illogical human, Spock.”

“Indeed. You cannot help yourself.”

Mother laughed. “No, I don’t suppose I can. It will be all right, Spock. You’ll see. The time will pass in a blink of an eye.”


	2. In the Blink of an Eye

What seemed to pass in a blink of an eye to Spock was the week that remained with Jim on Vulcan. Much of that week, Jim had been busy with his mother and brother packing their belongings and arranging it to be transported to Tarsus IV. He saw Spock when he could, but it was hardly enough time for either of them.

When the morning arrived of the day of their departure, Spock went to see Jim in his room. Soon to be former room. Spock did not know who, if anyone, would be moving into the Kirks home. He hoped it would be a while before anyone did, because though it was illogical, Spock did not relish seeing someone else there. 

Jim had been very quiet the last week. Both verbally and through their mental link. Rather than press Jim, Spock had allowed his mate to deal with their separation in whatever manner he deemed best. He still felt Jim’s strong, beautiful mind ever present in his own. It was a comfort to Spock. Father had explained to Spock that it should be just as strong when Jim was on Tarsus IV.

“You have not forgotten any of your belongings?” Spock asked. He knew that Jim had not. His room was barren except for the furniture that had come with the rented house in the first place, but he felt the need to say something because Jim merely sat on the edge of his bed looking as lost as Spock had ever seen him. Perhaps more so.

I-Chaya, Spock’s sehlat, sat at Jim’s feet. I-Chaya had taken an immediate liking to Jim five years before and had been Jim’s constant protector ever since. Spock speculated the day would be almost as hard for the sehlat as for Spock. Almost.

“Just one,” Jim whispered.

“Indeed?” Spock was startled out of his reverie for he had not expected such an answer. “What is it you have forgotten to pack?”

Jim’s gaze, which had been downcast, rose to Spock’s. “You.”

For a moment Spock’s shields wavered and he was nearly overcome with crippling grief. He was uncertain if it came from Jim or himself or perhaps a mixture of both their emotions. Spock spent some time getting his shields in place, before kneeling in front of Jim. He took the younger boy’s hands in his.

“I will be with you, Jim. Not physically as we would wish, but I will not leave you. You will have me in your mind always.”

Jim bit his lip and nodded. “Can I give you something?”

“Anything you wish.”

Jim reached into the pocket of the slacks he wore and pulled out a small white box. With a shaking hand, he held it out for Spock.

Spock took the box and lifted the lid. Inside was a very small golden locket on a simple gold chain. He opened the oval locket and found a holo picture of Jim. His gaze rose to Jim.

“Um.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck. “So, I know, um, it’s kind of lame and all. It was originally my grandmother’s but Mom said I could have it and give it to you if I wanted. But I understand if you don’t want to wear it since it was a girl’s.”

Spock closed his hand around it. “I will wear it.”

“Yeah?”

Spock nodded solemnly.

“Thanks.” Jim smiled shyly.

“I have nothing to give you in return.”

Jim shook his head. “It’s all right. I just wanted to give you something.”

There was a tap on the bedroom door and it opened to reveal Jim’s older brother, Sam. He was just slightly older than Spock himself.

“Mom says it’s about time to go.” Sam looked down at Spock. “Oh, hi, Spock.”

“Hello.”

Sam gave Jim a sympathetic smile. “Take as long as you need.” Then he closed the door again.

“I can’t believe this is goodbye,” Jim said softly.

“There is no goodbye for us, Jim. There is a human saying that is appropriate I think. Until we meet again.”

Jim let out a shaky breath. “I’m really trying not to give you a big emotional thing, Spock. I know you won’t like that.”

“I would never ask you to be what you cannot be, Jim.”

“I know. And I love-I love you for that.”

It wasn’t the first time Jim had shyly told  Spock he loved him, but Jim didn’t say it often and always hesitantly, as though he expected Spock would reject his declaration.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Spock said softly in return.

Jim smiled and his eyes lit up.

Spock rose and then pulled Jim up from his perch on the bed. “You will message me the minute you arrive on Tarsus IV.” It was not at all a question.

“I will,” Jim promised.

Spock pulled Jim close and closed his eyes as he held him. There was just the slightest gasp from Jim as though he was holding back a sob, but when Spock pulled away, Jim merely nodded and smiled.

He held out his fingers for Jim to meet and when Jim did, Spock knew he was blushing as much as Jim was. They did not share the Vulcan kiss often, but when they did, they usually reacted this way.

Jim lowered his fingers and laughed. “Um, so. I guess we should go outside, huh?”

“Yes.”

They left Jim’s room and Spock was just a little surprised Jim did not linger, for humans were often very sentimental, but Jim walked out of the room without a backward glance.

They exited the house, where Commander Kirk and her other son waited outside. Mother and Father were also there, standing nearby.

Mother went to Jim and embraced him. “Now you keep in touch with us, Jim. We want to hear from you frequently.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t be afraid to let us know if you need anything,” she continued.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She smiled and touched his cheek. “I’m so glad you’re my son’s mate.”

“Amanda,” Father said from next to her.

She shot him an indulgent look. “Well, I am.”

Jim laughed. “Me, too. Take care of him for me, okay?”

“Always.” She nodded.

Jim turned to Father and held up his hand in the ta’al. “Live long and prosper, sir.”

“Peace and long life,” Father returned. “We will be waiting for you, Jim.”

Jim nodded. He leaned down and scratched behind I-Chaya’s ears. “You take care of Spock too, you hear me?”

Jim straightened, smiled once more at Spock, and then walked over to his mother and brother. “I’m ready.”

The other Kirks said their goodbyes and then they left to take the shuttle away from Vulcan.

Long after his parents went inside their house, Spock and I-Chaya stayed outside missing Jim already.


	3. Arrival on Tarsus IV: A Beginning

By Spock’s calculation Jim’s first message from Tarsus IV should have arrived six hours, thirty-two minutes, and twenty-eight seconds after Spock watched him leave.

It did not.

Spock did not worry overmuch. It was entirely possible that Jim would wait until they were in whatever transportation would take them to their living quarters before he would send a message to Spock.

After seven hours and forty-two minutes had passed without a message from Jim, Spock decided it was prudent to send one to his mate. Jim was a young and excitable human. It was entirely possible he became involved in something else and forgot to let Spock know he had arrived safely. There was no indication from their link that anything troublesome had befallen Jim, but Spock liked to be cautious. 

**To: James Tiberius Kirk**

**From:** **S’chn T’gai Spock**

**Jim,**

**I would appreciate advisement at your earliest opportunity of your safe arrival.**

**Spock**

While he waited for a response, Spock made himself tea and saw to his studies as he had a test coming up in a few days. Eight hours, thirty-nine minutes and ten seconds later he received the awaited message. 

**To: Spock**

**From: Jim**

**Spock!**

**I’m here. So far everything has been a little nuts. The house they were putting us up in won’t be ready until next week so they had to get a hotel for us. I have to share with Sam! I guess I get my own room once I get into the house though. Thank God, cause his feet smell.**

**Oh, we also stopped to eat once they settled the whole hotel/house thing. They have meat here and Mom asked us if we wanted to try it. Sam said he remembered having it when we were on Earth before but I didn’t. Anyway I tried something called a hamburger. Have no idea why it’s called that because it doesn’t have ham. It was kind of good but I felt a little weird eating it.**

**How is I-Chaya? Does he miss me? Do you? I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I was there. I asked Mom if you could come with us but she said your parents would have never allowed that. She wouldn’t even ask them. I guess they wouldn’t, huh?**

**It’s much colder here than it is on Vulcan. Most of the clothes I have are for Vulcan weather, so Mom said we’d have to go shopping for warmer clothing. Oh, from our hotel we can see a lake. It’s nice. Guess it has like weird fish or something. That’s what the hotel guy said anyway.**

**I guess Sam wants me to play a computer game with him now so I’ll send this off to you now. I’ll write you again later when he goes to bed.**

**Jim**

Spock was gratified to receive the message. He probed their link to see if there was any evidence of discontent, and after finding none, Spock went back to his studies.

****

He did not hear again from Jim before he retired for the night, but since Jim had arrived safely, Spock was not concerned.

At three minutes after three, though, Spock was awakened by the ping of having received a message. Since no one else ever contacted him that way he knew it would be from Jim. 

**Hi Spock**

**I fell asleep. It’s been a long day I guess. It’s quiet here except for Sam’s snoring. I’m not sure the quiet is a good thing. Not that it was noisy on Vulcan or anything. But I don’t know. It’s different.**

**I hate it here. I know I just got here. I’m supposed to try, you know? Mom said I had to try to like it. But I really want to be with you instead of here. Like now? If I wanted to see you, all I would have had to do is get your attention from my window and you’d appear in your window. Now? I feel…alone.**

**I know I’m not. Sam’s here. And Mom’s in the other room and all. Plus you’re here in my head. I feel you. But it’s distant. I don’t feel you like I did on Vulcan. Home.**

**I hate her. I know I’m not supposed to. I can see you in my head being all shocked and stuff. I know you won’t show you’re shocked by your face. But you’re shocked.**

**Ha. That totally made me smile. Are you wearing my locket?**

**Jim**  

Spock read it over twice even though he had memorized it after the first time. He probed their link and this time Jim seemed unable to mask his disquiet which in turn spiked Spock’s unrest. Then he typed out a message. 

**Jim**

**I suspect you are presently overtired, ashaya. Perhaps if you indulge in additional slumber it will have a more positive light when you wake in the morning.**

**Remember that your mother must do what her Starfleet superiors require her to do and it is natural that she would want you and Sam to be with her. She is your only parent.**

**Also once you are in your new house with your own room I believe you will be more content. This is your first day. It is logical to be somewhat melancholy.**

**I am wearing the locket now and intend to wear it always.**

**Please rest, Jim. I look forward to hearing from you when you wake.**

**Spock**

It was only a moment later that Spock received Jim’s response. 

**Okay. <3** 

Spock did wonder what Jim was trying to say with the symbols but he decided he could ask Jim that tomorrow. When he probed their link it was quiet.


	4. The Blue Sweater

**To: Jim Tiberius Kirk**

**From:** **S’chn T’gai Spock**

**I trust this message finds you well and rested, Jim.**

**There is little to report from my location. I have been studying for my upcoming class. Mother sends her best wishes. Father has expressed that he hopes you settle in without any unpleasant surprises.**

**Have you been practicing shielding? I have noticed there are times I have been unable to sense your emotions. It is wise and logical for you to practice, but as you had expressed prior reservations about it I did wonder.**

**I would like to inquire as to the meaning of the symbols included in your last message. They were a > and a 3.**

**Spock**

Since Spock was an early riser he did not expect to hear from Jim for hours and since I-Chaya was restless, he took the sehlat for a walk.He tried during their walk to probe his link with Jim but it remained quiet. He could sense Jim’s warm, comforting presence in his mind but there were no emotions or thoughts. He supposed his mate was still sleeping.

Upon arriving home, he found Mother was already engaged in making breakfast, so Spock set about assisting her, as well as joining her in tea.

“You’ve heard from Jim?” she asked as she set their breakfast casserole in the oven and then joined Spock at the table with their tea.

“Yesterday, yes. He and his family arrived safely. Their housing was not yet ready so they are staying in a hotel until their accommodations are prepared.”

Mother smiled. “He must be so excited to see a new planet.”

“He is not,” Spock replied. “He is unhappy.”

“I imagine it’s an adjustment for him to be in a new place, but he’ll get used to it. You may not remember, Spock, but when Winona and her sons first arrived on Vulcan, Jim was not at all happy.”

“I do recall, Mother, but this time Jim has also been separated from his bondmate.”

“Oh, I know, Spock. That’s very difficult for both of you. Believe me I am not trying to dismiss that. Still I suspect eventually he’ll at least appreciate the planet. From what I was able to learn, Tarsus IV is a beautiful planet with a very mild climate.”

“You researched Tarsus IV?” Spock asked, surprised.

Mother rolled her eyes. “Of course I did. Jim is part of our family, Spock. I am concerned for his welfare, too.” She took a sip of her tea. “Everything I read sounds wonderful.”

Spock had an uneasy feeling about Tarsus IV but it had no basis in logic and so he did not voice his concerns to Mother and certainly not to his already anxious mate.

“It does seem an ideal place for a growing Federation colony,” Spock replied.

Her smile was gentle. “You miss him already, don’t you?”

More than he could convey. “He only left yesterday.”

“I miss him,” Mother admitted. “It’s going to be hard not to have him running in here every day yelling your name.” She shook her head. “Listen to me. I don’t mean to make it more difficult for you.”

“You have not.” For there was no way it could be more difficult than it already was. “However, if you will excuse me for a moment, Mother, I wish to see if I have received any messages from Jim.

He got up from the table and went to his bedroom. He stood at his window for a minute, looking out at the window that used to belong to Jim. At the moment, Spock felt a pang that was all too human. He turned away and picked up his PADD. His heart skipped a beat when he saw he had indeed heard from Jim.

  **To: Spock**

**From: Jim**

**First, the symbols? It’s a heart. <3**

**It means I <3 you. See? ** **:) That’s a smile. I got all this from Sam. He told me that it’s used all the time. Did you know he had a crush on one of the girls in his class back on Vulcan? Yes! A Vulcan girl. T’Pring. I thought she was kind of snooty but that’s what Sam likes about her. He said that he sent her that same symbol. HA. I have to wonder how she will react to that. If Sam tells me, I’ll let you know.**

**I had a huge breakfast. It’s free here at the hotel. It was almost insane how much food there was. Everyone keeps talking about how great the governor of the colony is. His name is Kodos. But you probably know that because I know you looked up the planet. He’s made all kinds of promises and everyone says so far he’s kept all of them.**

**Today, Mom is taking us shopping. I don’t want to go. But you know how she is.**

**I’m going crazy here, Spock. I miss you. So much.**

**Love, Jim**

Spock had been gratified that Jim seemed better until he read Jim’s last line. He probed their link and this time he felt Jim’s anxiety spiking again. Jim had not answered him about whether he’d been practicing shielding. Spock himself had taught Jim both methods of meditation and ways to shield if he wished to do so, but Jim had always said he didn’t want to hide anything from Spock.

“Spock? It’s time for breakfast,” Mother called from the kitchen.

Spock set his PADD down and went to join his parents.

****

**To: Spock**

**From: Jim**

**Back from shopping. It was so boring. But it got me thinking. Remember when you said you didn’t have anything to give me? Well, of course you remember. You remember everything and anyway it was only a couple of days ago.**

**Oh and I can totally see you sitting there reading this and thinking, “get to the point, Jim”. You are, huh? I know you are because you do that to me all the time when I start rambling on about something right in the middle of telling you a story or an idea.**

**Anyway, you know what I want? One of your sweaters. Do you think I could have one? Can you send me one? You pick the one, but I’d really, really, really like the blue one. But you know, if that’s not the one you want to send me, that’s okay. But I’d really like it. Our hotel is called The Tarsus Grand Hotel.**

**Sam says T’Pring hasn’t replied to his message and he acts like it’s no big deal, you know, to be cool, but I think he’s sad about it.**

**Oh, I forgot you asked me in your last note about shielding. I have been practicing some just because there’s not a lot to do here. The school doesn’t start until like a couple of weeks and I think I’m kind of ahead of where they’re at anyway. Sam, too. It’s because we were taught on Vulcan, I think. Anyway, it’s raining right now so I’m sitting here in the hotel room doing pretty much nothing. Mom had some sort of meeting. It was kind of unexpected I think. We were out shopping and she got a message so we had to come home. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but I’m not really sure. She said she might be gone for hours.**

**Sam’s here with me, of course, but he’s just playing that shooters game on his PADD that he likes. You shoot Klingons. I think he’s losing because he keeps yelling, “You fucker!”**

**I’m going to send this now in the hope you can get back to me soon. I’m going to have tea.**

**< 3 Jim**

Spock read Jim’s message twice as he always did. Before replying though, he got up from his bed, and went out to find Mother. She was out in the garden.

“Mother?”

She looked up from the weeding she was doing with a smile. “Yes, Spock?”

“Jim has requested that I send him my blue sweater. Would this be acceptable?”

“If he needsa sweater, I’d be happy to knit him one.”

Spock shook his head. “It must be one of my sweaters.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “Of course. What was I thinking?” Mother seemed amused but Spock was not sure what she found amusing. “We can send him your sweater, Spock. Why don’t you get it packed up and then later this afternoon we’ll take it down to the postal area to have it sent to Tarsus.”

“Very well. Do you need assistance with the garden?” Spock asked.

“No, you go on, Spock. I know you are anxious to correspond with Jim.” Mother waved him away.

Spock was, of course, but if Mother had needed his help, he would have gladly assisted her. He returned to his room, took out his blue sweater, and then returned to sitting on his bed to respond to Jim’s note.

**To: Jim**

**From: Spock**

**My blue sweater will be on its way to your hotel later today. It is unfortunate you did not think of this before you departed Vulcan, for you could have taken it with you. In any event, I care not which sweater you receive as it would be illogical as a Vulcan to have a preference of a sweater based on its color. I do understand that humans have a tendency to place significance on such things, however.**

**I am not surprised to hear that you and Sam are advanced as far as your schooling. Both of you are highly intelligent and with the higher education you experienced on Vulcan this makes sense.**

**I am certain it is inconvenient to be kept inside the hotel given the inclement weather. Something you were definitely not used to on Vulcan.**

**As for T’Pring, I am surmising she does not place the significance on her acquaintance with Sam as he does himself. Like you and I, T’Pring was bonded to a mate as a child, so even if she admired Sam romantically, she would not act on it under those circumstances. I suspect you may advise Sam that it is ‘nothing personal’.**

**If you are able to learn any further information from your mother regarding her unexpected meeting, I would be gratified to be informed.**

**I-Chaya misses you.**

**I miss you.**

**Spock**


	5. Video Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about waiting to post this because I've been posting too much but then I thought those who are sick of me can simply not read it. So here it is!

**To: Spock**

**From: Jim**

**Mom came back. I don’t know what happened in her meeting, but the weirdest thing was that suddenly we’re moving from the hotel into a house. Like now. I guess it’s an even better place than what she was first promised when she was assigned here. She’s calling it an ‘upgrade’.**

**She said the house has the capability that we can message each other face to face. Well, you know, we can talk over our PADDs and see each other and stuff. I’ll really like that. I think you might too.**

**But I guess we have to go right now. I’ll contact you when we get there.**

**I don’t…feel right about this. I can’t explain it, Spock. But Mom is acting different. I wish I understood all this.**

**Spock…I have to go. Talk soon.**

Spock read this message from Jim the next morning. Jim had sent it sometime in the middle of the night. He checked the time and saw that it was sent at two-thirty three in the morning. He read the message three times. Then a fourth. On the surface, there was nothing particularly unpleasant going on with Jim. In fact, Jim was being moved to a house and they would soon be able to video chat with each other.

And yet…his mate’s distress practically screamed off the pages. Spock felt his own increase every time he read the message.

Spock tried to calm himself with meditation, but his mind was disordered. He probed the link and he was greeted with exactly…nothing. Which was of great concern to him.

**To: Jim**

**From: Spock**

**Jim, have you arrived? Are you safe? Please contact me soon.**

**Spock**

He did not care if his unease was illogical or if he sounded like some desperate lovesick human.

He found Mother sitting at the dining room table having her tea. Father was closed up in his study. Spock was not certain which one of them he should speak to.

“Spock? Are you all right? You look uneasy.” Mother patted the chair next to her. “You don’t have to be to school for another hour or so. Sit and tell me what has you in such a state.”

“Jim has been moved to a house,” Spock said, as Mother handed him tea.

“Oh. Well that’s good, isn’t it?”

“I do not know.”

“What do you mean?”

“They were moved in the middle of the night. Or rather, very early in the morning. Jim seemed…distressed.”

Mother smiled. “Oh, I’m guessing it was because he was tired if they moved them in the middle of the night, Spock. I’m sure he’ll be fine when you talk to him after school.”

“Do you think so?”

“Of course I do. Humans don’t do well when their sleep is interrupted or even their routines. Have some breakfast before school and it will be all right when you get home. You’ll see.”

****

Spock made more haste home after school than was his usual practice. His mind had not been on his courses in the least, although he had no trouble with his assignments, even still. Mother had left a note stating she had gone shopping in the city for their dinner and that Father was with the Vulcan Council.

He went to his room and immediately picked up his PADD. He had been probing his link with Jim all day and there was nothing.

**To:  Spock**

**From: Jim**

**Hi Spock.**

**Yes, I am here. The house is huge and I definitely have my own room. Mom said something about the governor insisting we should have this house since the one the Federation had arranged wasn’t ready. Mom seemed pleased and she said she really liked Kodos when she met him.**

**Can you contact me when you get home from School? I really, really, really want to see you.**

**Please?**

**Jim**

And Jim had included a link that Spock was supposed to click. He did so and waited. He did not have long to wait before his screen flashed, made a sort of buzzing noise and then…Jim appeared, his face very close to the screen. So close Spock couldn’t even make out his features.

“Jim, you are too close.”

“Oh! Sorry. Hang on.”

A moment later, Jim appeared farther away. It was his entire mate, not just his blurred face. And he was wearing Spock’s blue sweater.

“Look! Look!”

“I see that my sweater has arrived.”

“It did! It went to the hotel but they forwarded it.” Jim smiled and sat on the edge of a bed. “This is my room. I’ll show you the whole thing later.” Jim bounced on the bed. “Are you wearing my locket?”

“I told you I would wear it always,” Spock reminded him.

Jim licked his lips. “Can I-can I see it?”

Spock nodded and pulled it out of his sweater to show Jim.

Jim grinned. “Thank you.”

Spock exhaled. “You are well?”

“Yeah, I’m all right. When we first got here I went right to bed. Mom insisted. Oh this place has a pool too. Maybe you can come visit me sometime? That would be so great.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you shielding?”

“Shielding? No. Not really.”

Suddenly their link was…clearer and he felt Jim tugging on his mind. Jim wrapped around him like a comforting presence. It was not as good as being able to touch his mate, but it was better than it had been.

“Sorry, Spock. I wasn’t meaning to. Is that better?”

“Yes. Jim?”

“Yes?”

“Everything is all right?”

Jim gave him a soft smile. “It is now. God, I miss you so much, Spock.” He hugged himself. “The sweater smells like you.”

“That is illogical because Mother laundered it before it was sent.”

Jim laughed and Spock felt calmer for the sound of it. Jim’s laugh always comforted him. “I’m illogical, Spock. You know that.”

Spock smiled slightly. “I do know, ashaya.”

“This is better, isn’t it, Spock? Getting to see each other.”

It was not enough. “Yes, it is better.”


	6. Tarsus IV: Rumblings

For the next several days when Spock was not in school, doing his studies, eating or sleeping, he was talking to Jim over their video link.

Jim’s mood was constantly shifting. Sometimes he was his usual gregarious self, then the next time Spock spoke with him he was oddly quiet and subdued. Often in the same day.

Whenever Spock probed their link the main emotion he got from Jim was anxiety. He gently questioned his mate about it but Jim always changed the subject or acted as though it was nothing. Spock speculated that Jim was not adjusting to the move at all well.

It was now the evening before Jim and his brother were finally going to begin their school work. Jim was smiling when he appeared on Spock’s screen. He was holding a cup in his hand.

“What is that you have, Jim?”

“Tea. I took some tea with me from Vulcan when we left there. I don’t drink it that often. I want to savor it.”

“I would have sent you more tea with the sweater had I known you wanted some.” Spock noticed Jim was wearing Spock’s sweater again. He seemed to wear it a lot.

“Well, maybe you can send me a care package of stuff. Or even bring me some in person?” Jim looked so hopeful. “Are you having tea also?”

“Indeed. Mother made me some a short time ago.”

Jim’s smile faltered a bit. “How is she?”

“Mother is well and sends her love.”

“I miss her.” Jim glanced away from Spock for a moment.

“At least you have your mother.”

“Yeah.” Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

“What is it, ashaya?”

Jim shrugged. “It’s nothing, really. Mom just works a lot. She works at a lab in the city. I don’t even know what she’s researching. It’s all really secretive. But she gets picked up and dropped off every day. Long hours too.”

Spock inclined his head. “I am certain her work is important.”

At that moment, Jim’s brother, Sam, appeared on the screen. He waved.

“Hi, Spock.”

“Hello, Sam. It is agreeable to see you.”

Sam smiled. “You too.” He handed a plate of what looked like pancakes preferred by humans.

“What’s this?” Jim asked.

“Your dinner. I made it. Mom brought some kind of grain stuff home. Anyway I used it for that.”

“She’s going to be late again?”

Sam ruffled Jim’s hair. “Looks like it. I want you to eat all of that, kiddo. Okay?”

Jim nodded solemnly. “Okay.”

“See you, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Sam.”

And then Sam was once more out of view of Spock’s screen.

Jim put the plate of pancakes aside.

“You are not going to eat your dinner?” Spock asked.

“I will, yeah. So, everything’s all right there?”

“Yes.”

Jim bit his lip and came closer on the screen. “Spock?”

“Yes?”

“Can you maybe ask your mom if you can come for a visit? Like just overnight or something. She could come too. I-I miss you.”

Jim’s bottom lip was trembling and Spock could tell his mate was trying not to cry. His heart squeezed in his side. He did not like to see Jim so distressed. This was harder on Jim than Spock even thought it might be. Spock was uncertain if Jim’s mother understood the complexities of Vulcan bonds and separating bondmates.

Spock nodded. “Yes, ashaya. I will ask my mother. But you should make certain it is all right with your mother as well.”

“Oh it will be. I know it.” Jim grinned. Then Jim leaned back a little. “I almost forgot to tell you.”

“What?”

“T’Pring replied to Sam.”

“Did she indeed?”

“She did. And it was just like you said. She told Sam she is bonded to another and it was improper to engage in flirtation with another who is not her chosen one.” Jim laughed.

“I am not certain Sam would find you laughing at his expense agreeable.”

“Well, I’m not really. And anyway, he was the one who told me what she said. And he did it in her snooty voice.”

“Nevertheless, T’Pring is correct. It would not be appropriate.”

“Is that your way of telling me not to flirt with anyone?”

Spock arched a brow. “I would think you were already aware of that.”

“No one here is even comparable to you anyway,” Jim assured him. “Sam likes all the girls. I don’t think he ever really thought T’Pring was going to like him.” Jim’s eyes lit up. “Is that I-Chaya?”

Spock looked at his sehlat who had come up to sit next to Spock. “Indeed it is.”

“Hey boy!” Jim called excitedly.

“He is wagging his tail.”

“So am I,” Jim said with a laugh. “Well I would be if I had one.”

“Jim, your dinner is still sitting there.”

Jim sighed. “Okay. Fine. I’ll eat.”

Spock waited for his mate to pick up the plate of pancakes and begin to eat.

****

Spock was not surprised to find Mother gardening again. She spent a lot of her time in the garden Father had created as an indulgence for her. He knelt beside her and began to tend to her plants with her.

“May I make a query?” Spock asked.

“Of course.”

“It is more a request.”

She smiled. “I am waiting.”

“Jim has requested that the two of us visit him on Tarsus IV. If it is acceptable, I would like to do this.”

“Oh.” Mother nodded. “That’s a lovely idea. I’m sure we can arrange a short visit. I will speak to your father about it, but I’m sure he’ll have no objection as long as it doesn’t interfere with your studies.”

“It will not.”

“I’ll ask him tonight.”

“Thank you.”

****

The next day, Spock was able to send a quick message to Jim before he left for school.

**To: Jim**

**From: Spock**

**If it is agreeable with your mother, Mother and I intend to visit you on Tarsus IV. Please advise me of a convenient time.**

**Spock**

Later on his way home from school, Spock felt fear. Intense fear. And not at all from himself. He was feeling Jim. And Jim was very afraid. Spock rushed home. There was only a single message from Jim in response to Spock’s earlier message.

**Cool. Can’t wait. How about at the end of the week?**

**Jim**

Spock clicked on the link for a video conference. He waited twenty minutes for Jim to appear, all the while he constantly tried contacting Jim through their link. He could not get a single thought form his mate, which wasn’t entirely surprising, because in spite of what Father had said about their link being strong even on different planets, Spock had found that not to be the case. Perhaps it was because only their preliminary bond was in place and their full capacity would not be reached until they matured it many years from now. But at the moment, he did feel Jim’s emotions, and though it had dissipated, the overlying emotion projected from his mate was fear.

After twenty-five minutes, Jim appeared. He had a bruised eyed and a cut above his lip.

“Hey, Spock. Sorry about the delay.”

“What has happened?” Spock demanded, unable to keep the alarm from his voice.

Jim licked his lip, then winced. “I, uh, got into a fight at school.”

“Who struck you?”

“Just some other boys. They got in a few punches before Sam came along and stopped it.”

“Why were they attacking you?”

“They don’t like me.”

“I do not understand.”

“Uh. They think we’re getting privileges or something, because of Mom’s research job.”

“From Starfleet?”

Jim frowned. “She’s doing work for Kodos, too. I don’t really understand it all. I thought it was for Starfleet but he’s involved, too. So, anyway, there’s like some kind of food shortage or something.”

“Food shortage?”

Jim nodded. “I guess some families have to stand in long lines to get food. But not everyone does.”

Spock exhaled. “I see. And these boys that fought with you are those that must?”

“Yeah. Anyway, Mom says it’s nothing. That we’ll get more supplies from the Federation and no one will have to wait in line anymore.”

Spock wished right then he could be touching Jim, offering him comfort. “Does it hurt?”

“Not much.” Jim smiled, then winced. “My lip keeps splitting. So you and your mom are really coming?”

“If it is not convenient—”

“No, it is,” Jim said quickly. “I can’t wait to see you.”

“I am anxious to see you as well.”

“I don’t suppose you could bring I-Chaya?”

“I cannot. They would require him to be quarantined as he is not native to Tarsus IV.”

“Yeah.” Jim nodded. “But you’re coming.”

“I am.” And Spock found that he was more anxious than ever to be with Jim. 


	7. A Short Visit

Mother tried to keep Spock’s mind on other things while they took the shuttle to Tarsus IV. Spock was not generally one to give into anxiety, yet he found himself feeling…out of sorts while waiting to see Jim.

“There’s no need to feel anxious, Spock. It’ll be fine.”

“I am hardly anxious, Mother. And fine has variable definitions.”

Mother smiled. “Yes I know. Spock, I’ve been thinking,”

“About?”

“I’m going to speak to Winona about Jim.”

“What will you speak to her about?”

“About having Jim stay with us on Vulcan,” Mother replied.

Spock shook his head. “Jim asked Commander Kirk before they left and she refused.”

“Yes, but he asked as an adolescent boy with all his emotional angst, I imagine,” Mother said, but there was no bite to her words, only fondness. “I mean to explain the importance of the Vulcan bond you have with him and the imprudence of keeping you separated.”

Spock did not wish to get his hopes up. “Do you think it will have an impact?”

“It can’t hurt, can it?”

“Very well. I would be gratified.” Spock was quiet for several moments. “It is taking a long time.”

Mother patted his arm. “We’re almost there.”

It was illogical to be so anxious, though Spock suspected much of it came from Jim.

It was only a short time later when the shuttle made the approach for Tarsus IV.  When Spock stepped off the shuttle ramp, he knew Jim was near. The bond was throbbing with excitement, and thriving with the knowledge of being close to its mate.

Standing nearby was Jim and his brother, Sam. There was no sign of Commander Kirk. Jim was squirming in place and his older brother had a restraining hand on Jim’s shoulder.

“Spock!”

Spock managed not to smile but it was a near thing. “It is agreeable to see you, Jim.”

“Agreeable to see me?” Jim rolled his eyes. And before Spock was even ready for it, Jim launched himself into Spock’s arms.

“Jim,” Sam admonished. “Maybe Spock doesn’t appreciate such public displays.”

Jim pulled back blushing. “He’s right. I’m sorry. I just—”

_I missed you._

Spock pulled him close.  “I have missed you also, Jim. It is quite all right.”

“Mom couldn’t get away to meet you,” Sam said. “Sorry about that. She’ll join us later.”

“I am certain she’s busy with her duties,” Mother replied. “You look like you are doing well, Sam.”

Sam smiled. “Thank you, ma’am.”

“Amanda, remember?”

“Amanda. If you’ll all come with me, I have a hover car to take us to the house.”

“You are driving, Sam?” Spock asked.

“Just a bit.” Sam grinned. “Enough to manage this anyway.”

They made it out of the shuttle bay and Spock noted that it was sunny with patchy clouds. The temperature was quite pleasant.

“This is a typical day here,” Sam said, as though guessing the direction of Spock’s thoughts. "Rains a lot at night though. I guess that’s why it’s so green.”

When they were in the hover car, Jim discreetly touched his fingers to Spock’s in the Vulcan kiss. When Spock glanced at Jim, the boy was looking straight ahead, though there was a pink tinge to his cheeks.

_Is this okay?_

_It is more than okay._

Having Jim’s thoughts in his head once more calmed and comforted Spock more than he had thought possible.

The house they were taken to was indeed quite large. A mansion, Spock believed they were called, and high on a hill that overlooked many green hills. He was surprised that Commander Kirk had been given such a luxurious home. Her Starfleet salary could not afford such amenities.

_It’s Kodos. He’s paying for it._

_Has she cleared it with Starfleet? Working for the colony’s governor and taking compensation?_

_I don’t know. But when you get settled, let’s go for a walk._

Sam showed them to rooms on the third floor of the house. Spock’s room came with its own bathroom and a picture window that overlooked a field of grain. Jim’s was on the second floor. They would only be staying the one night and most of the next day. Spock hoped that Mother would get the chance to speak to Winona Kirk.

****

“It is aesthetically pleasing.”

Jim glanced at Spock as they began their walk down the hill which the house stood on. “What is?”

“Tarsus IV.”

“Yeah, I guess it is. I miss Vulcan though.”

Spock was uncertain if he should tell Jim about Mother speaking to Commander Kirk. Jim was liable to get too excited at the idea, though, so Spock decided to wait.

“Vulcan has its beauty as well.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually here,” Jim said, bouncing a little in excitement. “I wish you could stay longer.”

“With school work it was not possible.”

“I know.” Jim sighed. “I should be happy with what I get. Mom says I always want more. Guess she’s right.” He bit his lip.

“There is nothing wrong with always seeking more.”

“No?”

“Well, certain things, anyway. To seek more knowledge is admirable.”

Jim smiled. “How about to seek more contact with one’s mate?”

“It would depend.”

“On what?”

“Where we are and the contact you seek.”

Jim looked away. “What if I wanted to hold your hand a little while we walk?”

“There does not appear to be anyone around,” Spock said.

“No, there isn’t. It’s quiet out here. Almost too quiet. Most of the others live closer to town. Kodos has a house out here somewhere too. I mean other than this one.”

“He owns this one?”

“Yeah. I guess he owns a lot of stuff.” Jim reached for Spock’s hand and threaded his fingers with Spock’s. Warmth lit up their bond. “Is this okay?”

Spock nodded. “It is acceptable.” They walked in comfortable silence for a bit. “Has the food shortage righted itself?”

Jim shook his head. “It’s gotten worse. Some people can’t get food at all.”

“Most peculiar.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve heard some stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Something about a fungus destroying a lot of the food supply. That’s what some of the kids were saying at school. Their parents are starting to worry.”

“That does sound worrisome.”

Jim bit his lip. “I overheard Mom talking to someone the other day at the house. I’m not sure what she was talking about. Or even who.”

“I am listening.”

“She said, ‘We had an agreement. That my sons would be protected. You’d better not go back on your word now’.”

Spock could not control his frown. “What did she mean?”

“I wish I knew. But it doesn’t sound good, right?”

“No,” Spock admitted. “It does not.”

****

Spock was not at all surprised when the door to his room clicked softly open and the shadow of a small teenaged boy drifted toward him even as the door closed again.

“Jim, does your mother know you have left your room?”

“She’s talking to your mother. And anyway, she wouldn’t care. I’m thirteen, not a baby.” Jim flopped down on the bed next to Spock. “I don’t have long to see you, I don’t want to miss any of it,”

“I am hopeful we will see each other again soon,” Spock replied as Jim snuggled up to his side. Jim’s skinny arm went around Spock’s waist.

“Me, too.” Jim picked up the locket he had given Spock. “You’re still wearing it.”

“I told you I would wear it always,” Spock reminded him quietly.

“I know, but still. Like even when we’re old men?”

“That is a very long time from now.”

“But will you?” Jim asked, his voice just short of a demand.

“Always.”

Jim sighed and relaxed. “Maybe I can visit Vulcan next time.”

“Perhaps.” Spock stroked Jim’s hair. “Mother hopes to convince your mother to let you come live with us.”

Predictably, Jim became instantly excited and bouncy. “Yeah? Really?”

“Jim, we do not know if she will be successful. But yes. Mother hopes to convince her that for bondmates to be separated it is unpleasant.”

Jim sighed and rested his head on Spock’s chest. “It is. I hate it.”

“I know, ashaya.”

****

Jim was exceptionally quiet on the way back to the shuttle bay. The strongest emotion Spock could feel from him was sorrow, but underlying that the anxiety was back. And Spock could tell he was trying very hard to hide both from Spock, though he did not succeed.

Spock attempted to project calm to Jim but he wasn’t very good at projecting yet. He had been practicing and Father assured him that he would get better at it.

As they prepared to board the shuttle, he and Jim stood off to the side, away from everyone else so they could say goodbye.

Spock could see from the wet sheen to Jim’s eyes that his mate was barely holding it together. Spock felt an answering ache in his side.

“Ashaya, all will be well.”

“How can you say that when you’re leaving?”

“It is not forever, Jim.”

“I-I just feel…”

“What?”

Jim shook his head. “I have a bad feeling, Spock.”

“Everything will be well. I am hopeful your mother will agree for you to come to Vulcan.” Mother had told Spock earlier that day that Commander Kirk said she would think about it and Mother said she seemed to be serious about it. Mother had indicated Commander Kirk might send both of her sons to Vulcan.

“Yeah.” Jim nodded, licking his lips. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Spock glanced to where Mother waited patiently. “I believe it is time to depart.” He felt physical pain at the thought of being parted from Jim again. And he knew Jim felt the same. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Jim smiled, or tried to anyway. It came out more as a watery grimace. “I love you,” he said softly, with that same hint of hesitation he always had.

Spock went to turn away.

“Spock!”

He turned back and Jim suddenly leaned up and placed a very quick human kiss on Spock’s lips. It was over in an instant, but Spock felt it down to his toes. Jim was blushing but smiling.

“Live long and prosper, Jim. Until we meet again.”

This time when Spock turned and joined Mother to get on the shuttle, Jim did not stop him. But Jim’s mind was alight with fear and despair so intense it made Spock’s breath catch. But when he turned around to look back at Jim as he stepped aboard, the Kirks were gone.


	8. A Taste of Insanity

When a week went by without word from Jim, Spock could not contain his ever growing panic.

It began with his first message after he’d returned to Vulcan that he had made it home safely. There had been no response. And nothing after either.

 He’d sent messages, tried to video chat, and probed their link. It was all silent. He could feel Jim’s presence in the back of his mind, but he got no thoughts, no emotions. Jim was either shielding or something was blocking their link.

He tried to learn news about Tarsus IV through the usual channels and what he’d learned was not good. The fungus Jim had mentioned was spreading and taking over the food supply on the planet. The fungus was aggressive and had even begun to make citizens who came in contact with it fatally ill.

Food that had been transported there had been almost instantly contaminated. Travel to and from Tarsus IV had been greatly restricted. The very shuttle he and Mother had taken a week ago to see Jim had been canceled indefinitely. 

Spock tried to go about his studies, trying to live as normal a life as possible, but inside he was going quietly insane.

Mother was as supportive and comforting as she could be, but it did little good. Spock needed to hear from Jim. His mind was fracturing with the silence of his mate and no amount of meditating had helped.

He had been hopeful—even though he had known better than to hope—Winona Kirk would allow Jim to come to Vulcan. Mother had been encouraged by her conversation with Commander Kirk and therefore, so had Spock. But if she had intended to agree, Spock feared it was now too late.

Somehow he had to get Jim off that planet and to safety. Father had connections Spock himself would not have, so he decided to ask Father if there was a way for him to get a shuttle past the restrictions so that Jim and his family could be removed from the planet.

Father had not been encouraging but he had promised he would find out.

Spock now believed that the situation on Tarsus IV and how bad it really was had been kept from him and likely most others. He wasn’t certain Jim even knew everything, though he suspected Jim had perhaps spared him some details. Commander Kirk had known. Or Spock believed she did. A few strange looks from her, what Jim had overheard, her working for the planet’s governor, her sudden change to be willing to let both of her sons off the planet. It all made logical sense now that she was hiding a lot of information.

Spock should have known and been able to keep Jim safe. He had failed his mate and that was the worst of it.

“Spock? You should come eat something,” Mother said from the doorway of his room. “I’ve made some of your favorite dishes.”

“I am waiting to hear from Jim.”

“Starving yourself won’t help him, Spock. Please? Just a short break.”

Spock stared at his blank PADD and exhaled slowly. “Very well.” He rose on shaky limbs and followed her to the dining room table. It was set for just the two of them. “Father is not back?”

“No, not yet. I thought we should eat.”

Spock picked up his fork with trembling fingers. For a moment he could not even recall where he was.

“Spock?” Mother’s hand touched his and he blinked at her. “Are you all right?”

“Negative.”

She frowned in concern. “Perhaps we should get a healer?”

He shook his head and put a forkful of food into his mouth. He wondered if Jim was eating. Not likely if their food was contaminated. He put down his fork.

“What is it?”

“I-I cannot. How can I eat knowing he is not?”

“But Spock, Jim would want you to take care of yourself.”

“I do not know. I do not know what I am supposed to do.”

“Spock, sweetheart, Jim will be okay. I know he will.”

Spock stood. “I must check my PADD.”

But when he got to his room there was nothing.

Later, Father came to tell him that there was no getting through to Tarsus IV. All travel to and from Tarsus IV had been suspended indefinitely.

****

Three days later, as Spock lay on his bed curled into a ball of dismay, his PADD pinged. Heart in his mouth, Spock scrambled to pick it up. The screen flashed and Jim appeared in a dimly lit room.

“Jim!”

Jim appeared very close then, just his face. His hair was wild and unwashed, there were dark circles under his eyes, his lips were dry and chapped. There was no moisture to his skin.

“I don’t have a lot of time, Spock. I can’t afford to use all my power. They’ve turned it off on most of the planet.”

“I cannot feel you.”

Jim shook his head. “You don’t want inside my head right now.”

Spock gasped. “Then you are shielding.”

“It’s necessary, I’m sorry,” Jim said softly. His voice cracked. “It’s bad, Spock. I haven’t-there’s no food or water. Not much. There’s been rioting. People are dead.”

“Dead?”

“Some killed by the fungus or the tainted food. Others—” Jim gulped. His eyes were wide with intense fear.

“I need to get you away from there.”

“No. You have to stay away, Spock.”

“But—”

“I have to go. I’ll try to contact you again. If I can.”

“Jim, Jim, please—”

Jim suddenly looked to the side. “Fuck.”

“Jim? What is it?”

“Someone’s here. I have to go. Now.”

“Ashaya—”

Spock heard phaser fire off screen. His stomach dropped. The screen went blank.

“No!” 


	9. How Can It Be Endured?

Message after message unanswered. Link closed off as though it didn’t exist.

Jim had said Spock was better off not knowing what was in Jim’s head right now, but Spock would give anything in his life to be there.

Even knowing why Jim did it—to spare Spock whatever pain and torment Jim suffered—Spock found himself angry that his mate shielded from him. There were moments when he felt Jim was being very selfish to keep it all to himself and other times Spock was wracked with guilt for even thinking such uncharitable thoughts about Jim.

Spock had begun to take long walks with I-Chaya, looking up to the sky, in the direction of Tarsus IV. He could not see it, of course. Not from Vulcan. But he found himself looking to the sky nevertheless.

He could no longer control his emotions. Had given up trying. Logic was lost to him. When he had skipped school three days in a row without apology, Mother had arranged for him to take a temporary leave from attending. He still had work he was supposed to do and turn in, but it could be done from home.

The rumors and stories about Tarsus IV and it’s unfortunate citizens were the topic everywhere, even on Vulcan. At first, Spock shielded himself from it. He did not want to know. But then he could not stop looking for information, anything, he could learn about Jim or his family.

Kodos was criminally insane the rumors said. He’d gone rogue against the Federation. There had even been stories that he’d built a military force that turned away any Federation ships offering to help.

Spock had heard that his force was murdering civilians under the guise of not having enough food for all. He was picking and choosing who was good enough, in his opinion, to save.

It was madness and chaos.

It had been two weeks since he’d last heard from Jim. His parents forced him to eat. Spock did so only because he could not bear to see the tears in Mother’s eyes or the dismay, carefully hidden, in Father’s.

Jim had to be alive, Spock told himself. He would feel it if that were not the case. He thought of commandeering a shuttle and going to Tarsus IV for Jim. But Spock really had no way of executing such a foolhardy plan.

Three weeks passed and then a month.

The news declared that the Federation had at last taken over Tarsus IV. Travel was still forbidden.

Stories came out that Kodos was dead, his body found, burned. But others claimed Kodos had escaped and fled into unknown parts of space.

And then the notices came out of those who were dead and those who survived.

Spock was afraid to look, terrified not to. He first checked out those who were dead. He did not know why he went there first. He would never know why.

_Winona Kirk, Commander, Starfleet, thirty-eight_

_George Samuel Kirk, Seventeen_

Spock’s vision blurred. His throat closed painfully. Wiping his eyes against the too human emotion, he read the names again. He felt horror in the pit of his stomach.

_Sam_. Jim had to be devastated at the loss of his brother. And…his mother.

No matter how many times he looked, Jim’s name was not on the list. And no matter how many times he looked, theirs never disappeared. No logic.

He moved on to the list of survivors certain his mate’s name would be there. It would be hard for Jim. But his parents and Spock would take him in. As soon as it was allowed, they would travel there to collect him.  

But after reviewing the list of survivors ten times James T. Kirk was not listed.

That was not possible. Spock would surely know if Jim had not…

He clenched his fists.

Spock found another list. One of unidentified citizens who had not survived. He perused the list. His whole body began to shake when he read.

_Male teen, unknown age, blond, blue sweater._

No. It was not possible. It could not be. He would know. He would know.

He would.

“Spock?” Mother hovered near his bedroom door. “Oh, my God. Your face. What’s happened?”

“They are dead,” Spock said woodenly. He wanted to be numb. Wanted so desperately to be numb.

“Who?” Mother lifted her hands to her face. She had gone completely white. “Spock, who?”

“Commander Kirk and S-Sam.”

“Oh no.” Mother gasped. Her eyes instantly filled with tears. “And-and Jim?”

“I do not know. His name is not on either the list of the deceased or the list of the survivors.” Spock closed his eyes. “I would know, would I not?”

“Yes. Yes, of course you would. You’d know. Your bond. You would know, Spock.”

Her assurances gave him a tiny bit of hope. With a shaking finger he pointed to the line about the blond boy in the blue sweater.

Mother’s lips quivered. “There must be a lot of teenaged boys on Tarsus IV, Spock.”

“Yes.”

“And lots of them have blond hair.”

“Yes.”

“And-and blue sweaters.”

He could only nod.

“Do you-do you want tea?”

“No.”

“When your father comes home perhaps he’ll have more news.” Mother leaned over and hugged him. Spock could instantly feel her sorrow, her uncertainty, her doubts. He wished he could block them out. He could not. Not now. “Try to get some rest.”

Spock did put his PADD aside and lay down on his bed. He did not expect to fall asleep. Maybe he would never sleep again.

And yet…he woke with sudden searing pain in his head so intense he screamed in terror. It was as though his head would explode. He kept screaming.

Mother and Father ran into his room looking about as frightened as Spock had ever seen.

He clutched his head, tears streaming down his face.

Sarek said softly, “The bond?”

“It is gone. It has been severed,” Spock choked out.

Mother let out a sob.

Jim…was dead.

Spock wished he could join his mate. There was nothing. Nothing. He had nothing.


	10. How We Live

_Nine Years Later_

_San Francisco_

_A Café Not Far From Starfleet Academy_

Spock was not sure why he had agreed to have lunch with Nyota Uhura. It was not that he did not enjoy her company. He did. She was one of the more pleasant cadets of his acquaintance. So far, they'd had tea together on five different occasions. Their conversation had been mostly generic and non-personal, but Spock had been aware after the two more recent tea times that Nyota had been getting more personal in her questions. He should have guessed it would come to this. That she was leading in this direction prior to her lunch invitation.

He had not.

And so he had agreed to have lunch with her instead of merely tea, and now they sat in what humans would refer to as a romantic restaurant—this one serving French food—at an uncomfortable table and chairs for two, meant to encourage closeness, Spock imagined.

It was as they were walking to the restaurant that it occurred to Spock what Nyota intended. Oh, perhaps there was a vague idea even prior to this that she seemed a little too intent in her interest in him. Once seated at this awkward little table, it was confirmed. Spock made it a practice to avoid direct skin contact with humans. Certain other species were better at containing their emotions. Humans simply appeared to be incapable. And therefore, though, Nyota, had made some rather subtle and other rather obvious attempts to make contact with Spock, he was able to avoid every one of them. Perhaps that had been an error on his part for than perhaps he would have at least had an inkling to prepare himself. Or he would have been forced to examine her intentions more closely.

“Have you been here before?” Spock asked as soon as she opened her mouth to speak.

“What? No. Oh, no.” She smiled. “This isn’t really the place you take just anyone.”

“How did you learn of its existence then?”

“Janice Rand told me. Do you know her?”

Spock inclined his head. “I have seen Cadet Rand on campus but I am not directly acquainted with her.”

Nyota smiled and leaned her chin on her hand. “You know I really love that.”

“To what do you refer?”

“The way you speak.”

“I was unaware I spoke differently from any others.”

“You definitely do.” Nyota picked up her menu. “Don’t worry. I asked ahead of time if they had vegetarian dishes.”

“That is considerate of you.”

“I want you to be comfortable of course. I still don’t know why you wouldn’t go for dinner instead of lunch.”

The reason, of course, was that Spock was aware that private dinners generally were considered dates. And Spock could not go to dinner with her until he explained the parameters of their relationship. Lunch might have been too misleading. But now he was committed.

“I spend most evenings reviewing my course work,” Spock replied.

“Still all work and no play.” She smiled.

Spock merely stared at her.

Nyota sighed. “Spock, are you seeing anyone?”

At least it was straight to the point.

“No.”

She brightened at that. “Well, I’m guessing you’ve figured out that I really like you, Spock.”

“I enjoy our interactions also.”

She leaned forward a bit at the table. Spock waved away the waitress who had started to walk toward their table.

“I’d like us to consider taking our friendship to the next level.”

Spock found most humans directness uncomfortable and off putting. But in Nyota’s case— though he still did not appreciate the necessity of such a conversation— he was relieved to be able to put it to rest, as the expression was.

“Nyota, I admire you a great deal. I find you to be of above average intelligence, you are kind and thoughtful, and I suspect a very loyal friend. I would hope to sustain those qualities in my friendship with you always.”

Nyota’s smile faltered. “Oh.”

Spock took a sip of the water that had been placed in front of him, mostly to have something to do. “It is nothing personal, Nyota. Were I am to form a romantic attachment to anyone, I would definitely consider you as a candidate.”

“But Vulcans do, don’t they? Your father has your mother.”

“You misunderstand,” Spock said quietly. “It is not that I am incapable as a Vulcan. My heart was attached to someone long ago.”

“But you said you were not seeing anyone.”

“And I am not.” It was painful to talk about this, even after all these years. But Nyota did deserve an explanation as to why they must only ever be friends. “I was bonded as a child to a human. He was…everything to me. I lost him nine years ago.”

Her eyes widened. “Spock, I’m sorry.”

“Your apology is not necessary. It was…difficult. I spent years recovering from the loss. I have vowed never to have another mate. And in fact when I have graduated from the academy and before I am assigned to a ship, it is my intention to begin the process of Kolinahr.”

He’d actually been considering Kolinahr for years. But his mother had asked him to wait until he spent some time on Earth, as well to allow time for his emotional trauma to heal, and ultimately, Spock decided he would wait until after he completed Starfleet Academy.

She stared at him, mouth open.

“It is the purging of all emotions.”

“I know what it is,” she said softly, in a choked voice. “Spock, are you sure? You were so young when this happened. Are you certain that is what you wish?”

“There can be no one else.”

“Still…you have many years ahead of you.”

“You would still be my friend.”

“I’m glad,” she gave him a small smile. “I’m just concerned for you.”

“I do appreciate your concern, Nyota, but it is unfounded. I have spent many hours of meditation considering my decision.”

“Okay.” She nodded. “If you change your mind about it or even just want to talk about it or anything, I’m a good listener.”

“Thank you, Nyota.”

The waitress came by then, looking to Spock to give his approval to approach. He nodded and they both ordered iced tea before she left to get their drinks.

“I thought about ordering wine,” Nyota said as she studied her menu.

“Why did you not? I would take no offense in this.”

She shrugged. “It’s not always fun to drink alone.” She laughed. “In fact I’m not sure it ever is. And I assumed you wouldn’t order something.”

“It is true I do not indulge in alcohol. It is not something Vulcans enjoy.”

“Have you ever tried it?” She raised her eyebrow in a fair imitation of himself, actually.

“I have not,” Spock admitted. “But I do not even care for the scent of it.”

Nyota shook her head. “I’m going to have the Salad Nicoise. What about you?”

“I believe I will try the vegetable crepes.”

The waitress came by with their iced teas and they placed their lunch orders.

“So, this isn’t awkward for you now, is it?” Nyota asked after a few minutes of silence.

“It is not. As long as it does not make you uncomfortable.”

“Well, I can’t deny I’m a little disappointed,” she said softly. “I obviously got my signals mixed.”

“I am sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Spock. It is what it is, and I’m a big girl.”

“It was not my intent to hurt or disappoint you, but I would enjoy being friends with you if we may continue.”

“We definitely can,” she assured him.

They turned to other less loaded topics for which Spock was grateful.

****

They parted ways at the restaurant. They were both done with classes that day and Nyota wished to go to a store several blocks away to purchase perfume for a friend’s birthday. Spock offered to walk with her but she assured him she was fine.

Spock headed back toward campus, as his dorm room was on the far side of it. Many cadets hurried by him, likely late for courses, but Spock walked leisurely for it was a pleasant day with the sun shining, not too hot nor too cold.

Up ahead of him, a bit far, were two first year male cadets. They did not hurry as others had. But one of them, with dark hair, was gesturing wildly to the other one, a blond. They stopped by a tree and the blond laughed, his head turning slightly toward Spock.

Spock came to a screeching halt.

 _Jim_.


	11. James T. Kirk, Cadet

It was Jim.

Spock would know him anywhere. Could feel him anywhere.

But the bond was severed because Jim was…dead.

Yet this was Jim. Spock knew.

He walked closer until he could see the same blue eyes he would have known across thousands of miles. Jim was beautiful. Intensely beautiful. And as he smiled at the man with him, Spock felt a twist in his side.

How? How was this possible?

Before he knew what he was doing, Spock was charging forward toward them. Jim turned, startled at Spock’s approach and backed up into the tree. His eyes, so familiar, widened in surprise.

“Jim,” Spock said.

Jim stared at Spock. The man with him stared at Spock.

“You are James T. Kirk, are you not?” Spock asked, realizing it came off as a demand.

“Yeah,” Jim said hesitantly. He tilted his head, confusion in his eyes.

“Who the hell are you?” the other man asked, scowling.

“I am Spock.”

“Yeah and so?”

Jim flicked a glance to the man, and then looked back to Spock. “Okay. Um. Should I know you?”

It was Spock’s turn to step back. Or perhaps it was a stumble. Part of him wanted to believe the confusion in those beloved blue eyes was a lie, but he could not. Jim seemed genuine.

“Yes,” Spock replied, his throat feeling raw and threatening to close with emotions he thought long buried. “We-we were acquainted before.”

Jim blinked for a moment, then his eyes cleared, and he nodded. “Oh.”

“Jim, let’s go,” the man with him spoke up.

“Can you go on ahead without me, Bones?”

“What? You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“Bones, it’s all right. And I think this is important.”

‘Bones’, a peculiar moniker to be sure, scowled. “You and your weird obsession with Vulcans.”

Jim flashed him a smile. “Can’t help it. Go on, Bones. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t like this, Jim.”

“There are a lot of things you don’t like. I’ll meet up with you later. Okay?”

“Fine.” ‘Bones’ spared one more glare for Spock before he started walking away, heading down the path.

“So, Spock, huh?”

He slowly nodded. “Yes.”

“I think I would have remembered meeting you if I had.” Jim smiled vaguely. “Would you like to go for coffee or something?”

Since the last thing Spock wanted to do was walk away from Jim, he agreed. “Yes.”

“Okay.” Jim nodded. “Um. There’s a place a couple of blocks from here. Serves coffee and tea. Vulcans prefer tea, right?”

“We do.”

“Shall we?”

They began to walk back off the campus and in the direction of the establishment Jim intended for them to go. Spock was not sure what to say. His mind was extremely disordered and despite the bond having severed it still seemed to recognize the man walking directly next to him. It pulsed in his head, causing the beginnings of a headache.

“You’ve been a cadet for a while?” Jim asked, glancing his way.

“I am in my final year. I took an advanced program.”

“I’m in advanced too. But I just started. Chris talked me into it. I wasn’t even sure I really wanted to join.” Jim laughed. “Yet here I am.”

Spock ached just looking at him. He was breathtaking. And should be his. This was his mate. “Who is Chris?”

“Christopher Pike. Captain Pike. You may have heard of him. He’s pretty well known.”

“I have heard of him. I have met him on three occasions.”

Jim stopped in front of a small coffee and tea house. “Here we are. Is this all right?”

“It is acceptable.”

He followed Jim in. Jim stopped at the counter. “What kind of tea, would you like?”

Spock quickly perused the board behind the counter. “The green tea with lemon.”

Jim smiled at the girl behind the counter. She straightened up and smiled back. “Coffee for me and the green tea with lemon.”

He handed her some credits and then they took their drinks to a table off to the side of the small place.

“This place isn’t fancy,” Jim said. “But I come here pretty often.”

“How are you acquainted with Captain Pike?”

“That’s kind of a long and weird story, actually.” Jim gave a little shrug. “Basically the short version is I was raised by him and his wife for the last several years.”

Spock blinked. “By Captain Pike?”

“Yeah. I did say it was weird.”

Jim licked his lips and it reminded Spock so much of Jim as a boy that Spock’s hands began to shake.

“Are you all right? You’re kind of pale.”

“I am experiencing disquiet.”

Jim frowned. “Do you need anything?”

“I will require meditation soon, but not at present.”

“Okay. So, um, Spock. You say you know me from somewhere?”

“We were acquainted as children.”

“I thought that might have been it,” Jim said, his voice softening.

“Explain.”

Jim’s gaze flew to his. “I don’t remember any of my childhood.”

The tremble was back so Spock set his tea down on the table. “You do not.” It was meant to be a question, perhaps, but even to Spock’s ears is sounded like a statement. 

“No. Before Chris and his wife took me in, I don’t really remember anything. I didn’t even know who I was. They told me.” He shrugged. “I guess there was some trauma I suffered. I really don’t know, because they never really told me what it was. Just that I had no family and they were going to take care of me now.”

“This was nine years ago?”

Jim half-smiled. “Yeah. How did you know that?”

“At the moment, I cannot say.”

“Well that’s certainly vague.”

“My apologies.” Spock hesitated. “That man you were with. Is he your boyfriend?”

Jim laughed. “Bones? No. No. Definitely not.”

Spock experienced relief at hearing that.

“I’m sorry, Spock, that I don’t remember you.”

I am sorry too, Spock thought.

“It is of no consequence,” he forced himself to say.

Jim looked at a watch on his wrist. “I really should get going.”

“You have a class?”

“No. But Bones and I were supposed to be meeting two girls.”

It was a struggle to keep his face impassive. “Your girlfriend?”

Again Jim laughed. And Spock wished he did not feel such pleasure in it.

“No. I don’t have anyone like that. These are just…um…well you know.”

Spock was very much afraid he did know.

Jim stood. “It was really nice meeting you, Spock. Maybe we can get together again sometime?”

“That would be agreeable.”

Jim smiled. “You want to head back with me?”

“I believe I will finish my tea first.”

“Okay. See you around?”

“Yes.”

Spock watched Jim leave the shop, torn between being exceedingly grateful his mate was alive, and horrified that Jim had no clue who Spock was.


	12. A Conversation With Pike

“Hello, Spock,” Captain Christopher Pike greeted Spock, starting to rise from his chair in the living room of his high rise apartment.

“Please, do not get up, Captain,” Spock said quickly. He was aware that during a recent space mission, Captain Pike had injured his leg. Pike’s cane was situated next to his chair.

Spock had been told to go into the living room by Pike’s wife who was on her way out when Spock had arrived. He had contacted Pike ahead of time to ask for an audience with the captain.

Pike lived on floor twelve of a high rise apartment building two streets away from Starfleet Headquarters. It had taken him two days to get an appointment to see Pike. Now that he was here, Spock was uncertain how to begin.

Pike smiled. “Have a seat, Spock.”

Spock sat in a leather chair across from Pike’s. “Your wife said to advise you that she was leaving.”

“She had a lunch appointment. Sorry about not meeting you at HQ. I’m on temporary leave while I get more movement back in this leg.”

“My only regret is it was not my intention to disturb you at home.”

Pike turned to look toward the windows which took up most of one wall of the room. “Great view, huh?”

“Yes.”

“This is actually a rented apartment. Our house is in the suburbs. When I need to be here, we stay at this place. My therapist’s office is nearby.”

“I have been told your recovery is remarkable.”

“Well, I’m trying anyway,” Pike said. “So Spock. I’ve been very impressed with your academic record.”

“I appreciate that, Captain.”

“I don’t think you need to be concerned about your future in Starfleet, but I’m happy to put in a good word for you.”

Spock inclined his head. “While I appreciate the offer, Captain, guidance on my career was not the reason for the request to speak with you.”

Pike gave him a puzzled look. “Oh?”

“It is to discuss James Kirk.”

Now the captain frowned. “Jim? What about him?”

“It is my understanding that for the last nine years, you and your wife were responsible for his upbringing.”

“You’ve met Jim I take it?” Pike asked.

“Yes.” Spock hesitated. “Recently. And…before.”

Pike stared at him in silence for so long Spock began to feel nervous.

“I see,” Pike said slowly. “So you knew him before he came to live with us?”

“Affirmative.”

Pike struggled to his feet. “Can I get you anything to drink, Spock?”

“No.”

“Well, I sure could use one.” He grabbed his cane and used it to walk over to a small wet bar. He poured amber liquid in a glass then added a round ball of ice. “We officially adopted Jim as our son when he was fourteen.”

That did surprise Spock. Or perhaps not. It was easy to want to take care of Jim.

“May I ask how you knew Jim back then?”

Spock hesitated. Then said, “Commander Kirk was stationed on Vulcan for five years and the Kirks lived next door to my family.”

“Her records did show a time spent on Vulcan but there weren’t many details. Most of the records surrounding the citizens of Tarsus IV are now top secret. I don’t even have access to them.” Pike returned to his seat and took a sip of his drink. “I was in command of one of the ships that went to Tarsus IV to rescue its citizens from the grip of a madman.”

“Kodos.”

“Yeah. Son of a bitch. My wife was my first officer.” He smiled wryly. “She wasn’t my wife at the time. When we got there it was chaos. Many of its citizens had died of starvation and many had been brutally murdered by Kodos and his forces. Among the dead were Jim’s mother and brother.”

Spock nodded. “I saw their names on the lists of those that were deceased.”

“Jim was found alive but in bad shape. There were signs of malnutrition and torture.”

Spock kept his face impassive with effort.

“His memory had been wiped out by Kodos’ people.”

“Wiped out?”

Pike nodded. “Yeah. They were experimenting on some of the citizens. Kodos was interested in eugenics. He wanted to keep those alive he deemed worthy. From what we could tell they wiped Jim’s memory clean. When we found him he had no idea who he was nor what had happened to him before. He knew how to speak, but that was about it. He even had to be reeducated. Fortunately he has a genius IQ so he learned very fast.”

Spock had to control his shaking with effort. He opened his mouth to speak but the words would not come out.

Pike was watching him. “You were close?”

“Jim and I were bonded in the Vulcan way as children,” Spock replied, when he could find his voice. “The closest equivalence in human terms is an engagement, but it goes much deeper than that.”

“I do know about Vulcan bonds,” Pike said. “I read up on them when I was in the Academy myself.”

“During the Tarsus IV crisis our bond was suddenly severed. I was convinced Jim had died.” Even now—knowing Jim was alive—saying the words were difficult. Thinking the thoughts…worse still. “I can only surmise that whatever they did to his mind caused the bond to sever.”

“That’s…rough. I’m sorry, Spock.”

“It was. It is.”

“And Jim has no idea who you are,” Pike said.

“None.” Spock exhaled slowly. “Despite the bond severing, my mind still recognizes Jim as my mate. Our bond was not a typical bond, even for Vulcans. We are Telsu, T’hy’la, It is extremely rare and revered amongst my people.”

Pike finished his drink. “From what I saw firsthand on Tarsus IV, I’m not sure Jim having his memories is a good thing.”

“You are proposing that I do nothing regarding his inability to recall our relationship.”

“I didn’t say that exactly. Jim is now an adult and can certainly make his own decisions. If he wants to explore his memories of that time, there’s not much I can do about that. But I’m not sure anything can be done to restore them, Spock, and you should be aware of that.”

Spock nodded.

“As I said, the evidence I saw…I don’t know. In many ways it’s best he doesn’t recall.”

“And yet he also forgotten the good, such as our bond, and memories of his mother and brother.”

“That’s true too,” Pike admitted.   

They both heard the opening of the apartment door, then it closing, slamming hard.

“Hey! Is anyone here?” Jim’s voice calling.

Pike gave Spock an amused look. “In here.”

Jim appeared, dressed in his red cadet’s uniform. He stopped. “Spock?”

“Hello, Jim.”


	13. A Date With Jim

Spock stood up and turned around completely to face Jim. Jim’s brows were furrowed in confusion.

“Spock came by to discuss a matter related to his coursework at the Academy,” Pike said, rising to his feet. “I’m advising him.”

The confusion cleared from Jim’s face and he smiled slightly. “Well. It’s nice to see you again, Spock.”

“And you as well.”

Pike walked around the furniture with his cane. “I actually have some messages to send, so if you’ll excuse me, Spock.”

“Of course, Captain.”

“Do you need help?” Jim called after him.

“No, no, I’m fine.” Pike waved this off and disappeared down a hallway.

“I imagine you were surprised to find me here in your home,” Spock said quietly.

“At first, yeah. But I know Chris acts in a guidance capacity for the Academy.” Jim moved toward the kitchen. “Care for something to drink? Tea, maybe?”

“That would be agreeable.” Spock followed Jim into the kitchen. Now that he was once more in the company of his mate, Spock was not ready to leave.

“Iced tea or hot tea?” Jim asked.

“Iced, thank you.”

Jim poured two glasses of iced tea and handed one to Spock.

“You do not have a dorm at the Academy?”

“No, I do. I mean, I didn’t have to, obviously. But I kind of wanted to have the whole experience there. But sometimes I stay here, too.”

“That would make sense since it is your home,” Spock said.

Jim shrugged. “I haven’t really spent much time here.”

Spock nodded. “Captain Pike mentioned you have another home outside of San Francisco.”

“Yeah. So actually, Spock, I’m glad you’re here.”

Spock arched a brow. “Indeed?”

Jim flashed him a smile and leaned a hip against the kitchen counter. “I realized the other day I never really got your contact information. Obviously, I could have found out where you were, but this makes it easier.”

“Yes, I suppose it does. Easier for what?”

“To ask you out. If you’re available. Some time. That is.” Jim blushed a little.

Spock didn’t answer immediately. Instead he said, “Were you able to make it to meet your friends?”

Jim sipped his tea. “Oh, that. Nah. They were long gone by the time I made it back there. It was fine. I’m sure Bones enjoyed himself.”

“That is a peculiar name.”

Jim laughed and once more Spock found pleasure in it. “That’s not really his name. It’s Leonard. Leonard McCoy. He’s a doctor. And that’s sort of where the name comes from. Kind of. It’s a long and boring story.”

“I see.”

“So are you?”

Spock did not pretend to misunderstand. “Available? Yes.”

“Okay, good. So, when do you want to go?”

“Whenever you wish. I have no plans.”

“No? That’s surprising.”

“What is?”

“Just a hot guy like you. I figured you would have lots of dates. No girlfriend?”

Spock shook his head. “No. Never.”

“Ah.” Jim studied him. “Boyfriend?”

Spock hesitated. “I did once.”

“Didn’t work out?”

“It was a long time ago.”

“Well, I guess that works in my favor anyway.” The smile was back, bright and sunny. “So, um, we could go to dinner or a movie. Or maybe a dinner and a movie. I don’t think you’re the bar hopping type.”

“I am not.”

“That’s cool. I don’t need to go to one. So, let’s start with dinner.”

“Very well. I am free tonight.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “Tonight?”

Spock straightened. “If that is not agreeable—”

“No,” Jim said quickly. “No. It’s fine. I just…yeah, I can do tonight. No problem.”

“What time and location?”

Jim bit his lip. “There’s a restaurant on Brand called Gwen’s. Do you know it?”

“I do. It is a vegetarian restaurant.”

Jim nodded and smiled. “I’m vegetarian and I figured you must be.”

“I am indeed. What time? Do you wish to meet there?”

“Yeah, let’s meet at say seven?”

Spock nodded. “That would be agreeable.” He set his glass on the counter. “Now I should take my leave.”

Jim followed Spock to the door. Being this close to his mate and not having the bond acknowledged was draining to Spock. All of his senses were alive with the need for Jim. He required lengthy meditation.

“See you shortly, Spock.” Jim winked at him and then closed the door after him.

Some things about Jim had definitely changed. He’d never been winked at by his mate before.

****

Hours of meditation had not quelled the thoughts and feelings Spock was experiencing since discovering Jim was alive and did not remember him. He planned to advise his parents tomorrow that Jim had survived and that he intended to pursue the reestablishment of their bond. Although cautiously.

Meditation had not helped him decide whether to advise Jim just how close they had been when Spock knew him before. This Jim was an unknown element and he had Pike’s words of caution regarding Jim’s unpleasant memories in mind as well.

He arrived at Gwen’s ten minutes before the appointed time but was surprised to find Jim already waiting outside the restaurant. He no longer wore his cadet’s uniform and instead was dressed in casual navy slacks, a white dress shirt, and a navy coat. The navy seemed to make his eyes appear bluer still and Spock wondered if that was a desired effect of Jim’s attire.

Spock had chosen to wear black slacks and a black pullover sweater.

Jim smiled at his approach and Spock’s heart skipped a beat. He had always found Jim’s features very pleasing but even he hadn’t realized what grownup Jim would look like.

“Why am I not surprised you would be on time?”

“Indeed. I am actually ten minutes prior to our meeting time.”

“That’s true.”

“And yet you are already here.”

“Hey, I was raised by Chris Pike. Trust me, being early is no accident.” Jim gestured to the door of the restaurant. “Shall we?”

Spock followed Jim inside. He went right up to the hostess.

“Hi Brenda. Can I get a table for two? Not a lot of foot traffic.”

Brenda looked past Jim to where Spock stood and she smiled wide. “Oh, I see. He’s cute. Jim.”

“Shut up.” But Jim was grinning.

Brenda picked up two menus and brought them into a round room off to the side of the main part of the restaurant. There were only three other tables in the room. They were all for couples. “How’s this?”

“It’s perfect. Tell Dante you deserve a raise.”

She laughed and handed them menus after they sat. “He knows it. Your server will be with you shortly.”

Spock watched her leave. “You share a personal relationship with the staff of this restaurant?”

“Oh, no. Not really. I come here a lot. They’ve just gotten to know me.”

Though he did not want to ask, Spock felt compelled to do so. “You take dates here often?”

“What? No. Definitely not. Too expensive. I don’t—I don’t really go on a lot of dates, Spock.” Jim shrugged. “Number One is a vegetarian, too. So when we’re in the city we come here as a family.”

“Number One?”

“Chris’ wife. I don’t know. We’ve always called her that.” Jim laughed. “Sounds crazy from an outside looking in kinda thing. I don’t know, I just never really got into calling them Mom and Dad. I don’t know why. They basically are my parents.” Jim shook his head.

“I am sure they are accepting of whatever it is you call them.”

“Yeah they are. Anyway, Chris calls her that. I guess from the days she served as his first officer. I sort of picked up on it. Now it’s like a family thing.”

Spock nodded. “So you are both vegetarians.”

“Yeah, meat makes me ill, to be honest. Totally grosses me out. She’s been a vegetarian since she was a kid. Chris will eat meat if he’s with others but not around us.”

“May I make a query?”

“Sure.”

“Your friend, Leonard McCoy, said something about your being obsessed with Vulcans.”

Jim laughed. Spock found himself thinking the illogical thought that he wished he could bottle that laugh and take it out to listen to whenever he was alone.

“Bones has a big mouth.” Jim licked his lips. “I do have like this massive crush on Vulcans. The only thing is…none of them find me the least bit interesting. The ones I have run across, which admittedly, aren’t many, have basically ignored me like I don’t exist.” He grinned again. “Until you came along anyway.”

Spock inclined his head. “I assure you, Jim, I find you…fascinating.”

“Yeah?” His eyes lit up. But then his smile faded. “Is that because we knew each other before? How did we anyway? Know each other?”

“You lived for a time on Vulcan and lived next door to me and my family.”

“Really?” His eyes got really big. “I lived on Vulcan? Maybe that explains my interest in them.”

“It is quite possible.”

“Then you, um, you must have known my family from then. Whoever they were.” He looked young and vulnerable, reminding Spock so much of his young Jim his heart ached. 

“I did. They were friends. As were you.”

“Yeah? What were they like?”

Spock should have realized Jim would get around to questioning him. He’d always been endlessly curious. “They were very much like you.”

The waiter appeared. A man with the name tag Oliver. He greeted Jim as Brenda had earlier. “What can I get you to drink?”

“I’ll have a glass of the cabernet, Oliver,” Jim replied. “You know the one I like.”

“I do.” Oliver turned to Spock. “Sir?”

“Green tea if you have it.”

“We do. I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

“We were close?”

“Yes. We were very good friends.”

Jim nodded, biting his lip. “How long was I there?”

“Five years.”

“Wow.” Jim shook his head. “It sucks not remembering. But I guess there’s a reason to forget huh.”

“You did say you suffered trauma,” Spock said carefully.

Jim smiled. “This conversation is really depressing for a first date. So, you are in your last year at the Academy?”

It took a moment for Spock to adjust to the new topic, but he was aware humans sometimes avoided difficult topics. Jim had always been that way, actually.

“Yes, that is correct. I have found the experience…beneficial.”

“Me too. So far I mean.” Jim glanced at the menu. “Want to share? We can get a few dishes and just try all of them.”

“That would be agreeable.”


	14. Secrets of a Vulcan Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got another chapter done and thought I'd go ahead and post it.  
> Basically I will be posting my update for The Way Forward tomorrow and then I won't really be able to post anything before probably Tuesday because I am going out of town over the weekend. I could have made you wait for this but I didn't want to. It's kind of short, but I think...powerful

Dinner ended far too soon for Spock because in reality he had a difficult time letting Jim out of his sight. Once he’d done that, years before, thinking it was a temporary parting and it had been disastrous. Now each time he had to watch Jim walk away he was filled with an unsettling panic he forced himself to control.

He walked Jim back to the Academy. Jim had told him he was going back to the dorm for the night. He’d just come by the apartment to check on the Pikes. It meant Spock could spend just a little bit longer in Jim’s company.

Spock had a naturally quick walking pace but he slowed it down so that Jim would match his tread and they wouldn’t hurry through the streets.

“It’s a nice night,” Jim commented beside him. “They were predicting rain earlier but I’m glad they were wrong.”

Dinner had been both delicious and enlightening. Jim was charming and funny and quite adventurous in the dishes he would try. There were a few times Spock barely resisted smiling. And even then underlying his charming flirtation was that same sweetness Spock had known from his mate before Tarsus IV.

“I do not mind precipitation.”

Jim glanced his way. “Don’t tell me you like walking in the rain?”

“We did not get much rain on Vulcan.”

Jim nodded. “I know that even without remembering being there. I’ve studied it.”

“Have you?”

“Well.” Jim laughed subconsciously. “It goes back to my…fascination. To use your word. Anyway, so you do like to walk in the rain?”

“I would not assign such as a strong emotion as like, but rather clarify that I do not find it too unpleasant.”

“I’m glad we cleared that up,” Jim replied with just the barest twitch of his lips.

Spock was all too aware he noticed every little movement, every little expression from Jim. He was loath to admit he was very close to hanging on Jim’s every word. Very unbecoming of a Vulcan.

“I’m sure we’ve exhausted the topic of weather anyway. Any plans after you graduate? Like the desire for a really plum assignment or something?”

“My immediate plan is to return to Vulcan and await word on what my Starfleet assignment will be. My only wish is for it to be in the science field as that is the focus of my curriculum.”

“Return to Vulcan?” Jim frowned.

“It would only be a short visit as my parents still reside there most of the time.”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess that would make sense.”

Spock of course hoped to take Jim with him but he suspected now was not the time to tell Jim that.

They’d reached the campus.

“Where is your dorm located, Jim?”

“The first set behind the biology building. Our dorm is on the second floor.”

“Our?”

“I share with Bones. It’s less expensive and anyway it’s nice to have company.”

“Ah.”

Jim smiled. “That was a loaded ‘ah’”

“Was it?”

“You don’t approve of Bones?”

“I do not know him to approve or disapprove. My ‘ah” was simply an acknowledgement of the role he has in your life.”

“Ah.” Jim laughed.

Spock inclined his head as they made their way across the pathways of the campus. “You are different.”

“Yeah? From what I was before or something else?”

“You are both different and the same from when you and I were acquainted. And you are different from anyone I have ever known,” Spock said softly.

Jim stopped him in the middle of the path, by a tree and a lamppost.

“You’re different than anyone I’ve ever known, too.”

“And is that a good thing?”

“It’s a very good thing.” Jim reached for Spock’s hands, to his surprise, and Jim was suddenly holding both of them and staring into Spock’s gaze. “Vulcans like to kiss with their hands, right?”

Spock swallowed hard. “Yes.”

Jim gave him the softest, most beautiful smile he had ever seen. Then he lowered his gaze to their entwined hands and was studying Spock’s palms. His fingers traced over the lines and then down to Spock’s wrists under his sweater. Jim pushed the sleeve up slightly and then froze, his gaze flying to Spock’s.

“What-what are these?”

Spock knew very well what Jim had found. His scars. He felt his cheeks heat in embarrassment. This-this was his ultimate shame. His failing as a Vulcan. He tugged his hands away.

“I do not wish to discuss it.”

“Is that—did you—”

“It was long ago.”

Jim’s eyes were incredibly bright as he stared at Spock. “Was this because of your boyfriend?”

“Jim—”

“What kind of prick was this guy?” Jim demanded.

All at once it was too much. His control was slipping. Failing.

Spock stepped back. “I must go.”

“Spock, wait.”

Spock had turned away and had begun to run. He could not let Jim see him like this. Not this way.

“Spock! I-I’m sorry.”

For a moment he thought Jim had followed him, but when he finally stopped running, there was no sign of Jim.

Spock took a moment to catch his breath and orient himself to where he’d run to. He hadn’t left the campus too far and he knew a shortcut to his own dorm room—single, of course—so he made his way then. He would need meditation and also time to think of a way to explain his actions to Jim.


	15. An Unexpected Apology

“That’s such wonderful news, Spock,” Mother said, her mouth breaking out into a wide smile from Spock’s PADD. “I am certain your father will be just as thrilled when I tell him the news.”

Spock had notified his mother that Jim was alive, after all, and very close in proximity to Spock.

“I can’t wait to see him,” Mother continued. “Is he very much the same?”

“He bares many of the qualities he had as boy but has also developed into a man.”

“I’ll bet he’s handsome.”

“He is quite pleasing to look at,” Spock acknowledged.

“I knew it.” She sighed, but it was a happy one. “This is the best news I’ve had in I don’t know how long. You’re bringing him to Vulcan, aren’t you?”

“It is my intention to do so. But, Mother, as I explained, he does not recall anything from when he knew us.”

“Well, as to that, Spock, I believe the sooner you tell him about the bond, the better.”

“I can hardly say, ‘you were my bondmate in another life’, Mother.” He spoke perhaps too harshly. “I apologize for my tone.”

“There’s no need to apologize, Spock.” Mother shook her head. “Of course you have to be careful how you go about it, but he’s got to know, Spock. He’s not just any bondmate, but your t’hy’la.”

“I am more aware of that than anyone.”

Her face softened. “I know you are. And I know how very much he means to you. I know you think you have to tread carefully, but this is also Jim, Spock. He has always been very open and accepting.”

“That was Jim as we knew him then.”

“Memories may change or disappear, but his personality is likely the same.”

“Perhaps. I have a class in less than thirty minutes. I will keep you notified of any further developments.”

“Thank you. I really can’t wait to meet him. Talk soon.”

First, of course, Spock would need to explain his recent behavior to Jim.

****

It was two days later before Spock located Jim in the same coffee and tea place they’d gone after their first meeting. He had purposely waited for some time to pass to locate his mate. It hadn’t passed Spock’s attention that Jim had made no apparent effort to contact him either.

Regardless, he found Jim seated at the same table he’d sat with Spock and with him was the man Jim referred to as ‘Bones’, Leonard McCoy. Spock approached their table with caution.

Jim looked over as Spock stepped to their table. His expression was—Spock would describe it as—tentative. “Spock, hello.”

Leonard McCoy turned a dark glare on Spock. “What do you want?”

“Bones.” Jim shook his head.

“I would like to speak with you, Jim, if I may, privately.”

McCoy crossed his arms over his chest. “And why should he? What does he even know about you?”

Spock arched a brow. “What does he know about you?”

McCoy blinked and then sputtered. “That’s beside the point—”

“Bones,” Jim wearily interrupted. “I want to talk to Spock. I’ll see you back at the dorm. Okay?”

“Fine.” McCoy got out of the chair. “But I don’t have to like it.”

Jim rolled his eyes and waved his hand at McCoy to leave. When he had, Spock took the seat he had recently occupied.

Spock had a moment where he felt humiliation rise up within him. “You told him?”

“No, Spock. Of course not. He’s just…he’s weirdly overprotective.” Jim glanced at the counter. “You want some tea or something?”

“Not at present.”

Jim nodded, bit his lip. “I’m really sorry.”

Spock was surprised by this. “It is I who owe you an apology.”

Jim looked at him with that same intense stare. “No, you don’t. I way overstepped. Bones tells me all the time I don’t know my boundaries and he’s right. That was completely uncool of me.”

“I should not have reacted so badly.”

“You told me you didn’t want to talk about it and I pushed you.” Jim smiled a little. “Believe me, you don’t need to say you’re sorry.” He smiled a little wider. “Friends?”

Spock hesitated only slightly. “Yes,” he said. “I would like that.”

“And maybe a little something else? We could try to go out again. I’m not always that much of a dick.”

“You were not,” Spock assured him. “And I would like to go out again.”

“Yeah?” Jim grinned. “Are you sure you don’t want tea? My treat.”

Now that Spock knew Jim was not going to reject him, he felt much calmer. “I will have tea, but I will get it myself.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Spock went to the counter and obtained green tea with lemon as he did before and then returned to the table. “When would you like to go again?”

“Well, I guess we can sort of count this as our second date, right?”

“If you wish.”

“So, for our third date, what do you want to do? I picked our first two after all.”

“I have no particular preference for our leisure activities.”

Spock was surprised when Jim nudged him under the table with his foot.

“Come on. You have to have some preferences. I know you don’t want to go to a bar.”

“I would prefer not to,” Spock replied.

Jim smiled. “See, a preference.”

Spock thought about it. “There is a Science Museum.”

“Yeah, there is. Is that where you want to go?”

“I have no—”

Jim narrowed his eyes.

“Yes.”

That earned him a smile. “Okay. Well, it would be probably best to go on Saturday when they will have longer hours. We can do breakfast, then the museum. And then maybe dinner. How’s that sound?”

Spending the day with Jim? Spock could not think of a better way to spend his time.

“It sounds agreeable.”

“You can pick me up at the apartment.” Jim stood. “I’m going to get a refill. Want anything?”

Spock recalled he was supposed to meet Nyota for a study group in less than an hour. “No, thank you. I am meeting someone soon. I should be going.”

Jim’s smile slipped. “A date?”

“No. A study group. I do not date, Jim.”

Jim licked his lips. “But you are going out with me.”

Spock arched a brow.

Jim grinned. “Oh.” He blushed a little which Spock found quite appealing. “Um. Have a good study group thing then. See you Saturday?”

“Indeed.”


	16. A Complication

“Spock, are you okay?”

Spock continued to stare at his PADD.

“Spock?” Nyota…a little louder this time.

Spock looked up. “I am sorry. My mind is not on this particular lesson at the moment.”

She offered him a slight smile and then turned to the other people in the group. “I think that’s it for our linguistics group today. Thanks for coming.”

Nyota waited until they had all left the table in the cafeteria before saying to Spock, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong as far as I understand the definition.”

“Why are you distracted then? That’s not like you.”

He had not yet told Nyota about Jim. He was uncertain how she would react to the news. “Do you recall when I told you I was bonded to a human as a child?”

She nodded, her expression solemn. “You said you lost him.”

“I have found him.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“My bondmate was thought to have perished during the famine on Tarsus IV.”

Her hands went to her mouth. “Oh, Spock. That’s awful.”

Spock nodded. “However, he did not perish as I thought. He is right here at the Academy.”

“What? How? And are you sure?”

“I am positive. It is a long story, Nyota. Perhaps I will relay it one day, but for now Jim lost all his memories and does not recall our bond.”

“Jim?”

“James Tiberius Kirk.”

Nyota furrowed her eyebrows. “I’ve heard about him. He’s supposed to be some super genius. Command track. He’s your bondmate?”

“Yes. And more…my t’hy’la.”

“Well, I don’t know what that is. But he doesn’t know it?”

“He does not.”

“No wonder you’re distracted. I’m sorry, Spock. What are you going to do?”

“For now, I am spending Saturday with him.

Nyota smiled. “One step at a time, huh?”

“Yes.”

****

The door to the apartment was opened by Mrs. Pike as it had been the last time Spock was there. She was a tall, slim woman with shoulder length dark hair.

She closed the door as he stepped into the hallway. “Jim’s not quite ready. Can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you.”

She looked toward the doorway that lead into the rest of the apartment. Then she lowered her voice, “My husband told me you knew our son when he was young.”

 “Yes.”

She sighed. “And I know of your relationship with him.” She seemed to be collecting her thoughts. “Chris and I were unable to have children of our own. Having Jim as our son, well, we couldn’t have asked for a better one than Jim. He went through a lot on Tarsus IV, you know.”

Spock felt emotion building in his throat. “I know.”

“The way we found him,” Mrs. Pike said softly. She shook her head. “You can’t even imagine.”

Nor did Spock wish to.

“We don’t talk about it. We don’t tell him.” She shuddered. “The point is…please don’t hurt him.”

Jim walked into the foyer. “Hi Spock.”

“Good morning, Jim.”

Jim went up to Mrs. Pike and kissed her cheek. “You weren’t home yet when I went to bed.”

“Late meeting.” She gave him a quick hug.

“What are you doing to Spock?”

She rolled her eyes. “Nothing. You’re staying here tonight.” It was definitely not a question and it was said with the firmness and authority of a former Starfleet first officer.

Jim smiled. “Of course I will.”

“Have a good time. Nice to see you again, Spock.”

“And you as well, Mrs. Pike.”

She left them alone then.

“She gave you the overprotective mom speech, didn’t she?”

“Perhaps a little. She has done this before?”

“Well, I don’t really bring people here or anything. But Bones. And yeah, she kind of did with him. She’s used to him now, though. As used to Bones as anyone ever can be that is.” Jim grinned. “You ready?”

“Yes.”

Spock followed Jim from the apartment, trying not to let his gaze linger too long on Jim’s very attractive buttocks. There was more to his attraction to Jim than his pleasing appearance after all. However, Spock was unable to deny his appearance was extremely pleasing.

“There’s a little place not that far from the museum that just serves breakfast and lunch,” Jim said as they rode the lift down to the lobby of the apartment building.

“I will go wherever you choose,” Spock replied. Perhaps he should have more ‘preferences’ as Jim called them, but in reality Spock only cared that he was spending time with Jim. If that made him a pathetic lovesick Vulcan then he accepted it. He’d always been a bit of an abomination as far as his fellow Vulcans thought. Having a human t’hy’la had not raised their opinion of him. His unspeakable actions at the loss of his mate had further shamed him.

Jim flashed him a smile. “Well, you’re definitely easier to deal with than Bones.”

“The doctor is difficult?”

Jim laughed at that. “Oh you have no idea.”

“Then why do you remain friends with him?”

“Because I like him.”

“Yet he is difficult,” Spock said, trying to understand.

“He sure is.”

Spock shook his head.

Jim only laughed again. “You have this total expression that reads ‘humans are so illogical’. I love it.”

It was true, so Spock did not bother to deny it.

****

As Spock studied another display he saw Jim yawn out of the corner of his eye. He stepped over to where Jim leaned on a pillar.

“You are bored.”

“No. Just taking a break.”

“You have yawned ten times in the last hour.”

“Well I…wait, you counted?”

“It was not difficult.”

Jim laughed again. Jim laughed a lot, Spock noticed, and he could not help but be very pleased by it. Jim also smiled a lot and it was beautiful, there was no other appropriate word for it. And the fact that Jim laughed and smiled so much concerned Spock. If he pursued Jim remembering Spock and all that went with it, would Jim lose the qualities that made him laugh and smile so much?

“What do you want to do now?” Spock asked him.

“Are you done here?”

Spock wasn’t. Not really. He could likely spend days there and not grow bored. But spending time with Jim was far more important than exploring the museum.

“At present, yes.”

“Cause we can totally stay longer if you want.”

“Jim, we can leave.”

And there was the smile. Spock was growing addicted to them. Spock had a fear that he would lose Jim again. Not to something horrific as before, but rather that he himself could not contain someone as dynamic as Jim, and Jim would drift away to something far more exciting than Spock.

“You’re thinking too much,” Jim said softly, suddenly in Spock’s space. He touched Spock’s hand, stroking his thumb lightly along Spock’s knuckles. “You do that, you know.”

“What?”

“Think too much. You get so deep inside your head I wonder if I’ll ever reach you.” Jim’s smile was just a slight upturning of his lips.

“I would let you in,” Spock assured him.

“Yeah? That’s good to hear.” Jim’s gaze drifted from Spock’s face to his throat. He frowned slightly. “Are you wearing something?”

Spock stilled.

Jim reached up and pulled the chain and locket out of the collar of Spock’s sweater. He gave Spock a quizzical look. “What is this?”

“It is a locket. I promised I would wear it always.”

Jim grasped the locked between his thumb and forefinger. “It’s really intricate.”

“Yes.”

Jim blinked and suddenly lost all color in his face. He still held the locket but he started to shake violently. Spock’s pulse spiked in alarm.

“Jim?”

The locket fell from Jim’s fingers. “I-I can’t breathe.”

“What?”

“I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe,” Jim repeated over and over. His eyes were suddenly very wide in his extremely pale face. He was still shaking. He took a step back from Spock. He looked completely frantic.

Spock reached for him.

Jim shook his head. “Need-need—need air.”

Jim turned, looking around the museum in panic. He spotted the door then and rushed toward it.

“Jim!” Spock followed after him.

Jim had made it halfway down the street before Spock caught up to him. Jim was leaning against a wall, hunched over, taking in great gasps of air. He glanced at Spock and attempted a weak smile.

“It’s-it’s better.”

Spock waited while Jim took a few more breaths.

“I’m okay, Spock.”

“Are you certain?”

“Yeah.” Jim straightened. He touched Spock’s arm. “I’m sorry for freaking you out.”

“I only care that you are all right.”

“That was strange.”

Spock lifted his hand to Jim’s face and touched Jim’s cheek with his fingertips. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. I guess I had some sort of panic attack. I was touching your locket. Weird.”

“Indeed,” Spock forced himself to say. Inside he was in turmoil. Had Jim’s attack been triggered by a memory? If so, how could he even think of Jim remembering what happened to him?

Jim covered Spock’s hand on his face with his own hand. “I think I’d better take a rain check on going for dinner.”

Spock agreed. “I will take you home.”


	17. Sunday Visitor

Sunday morning Spock was surprised by a light tap on the door of his dorm room. He was not expecting anyone. He set his PADD down. He had been studying.

He went to the door and opened it rather slowly, preparing to tell whoever it was to go away.

Standing there looking almost unbearably sweet was Jim. His hair was slightly damp and his lips curved into that sort of half-smile he sometimes wore. He had on a large waterproof coat that seemed to swallow him. He was holding two cups and a white bag.

“Good morning,” Jim said.

It was all Spock could do not to grip Jim’s arms and drag him inside like Vulcans of old. Instead, he cleared his throat and stepped aside. “Please, come in.”

Jim stepped inside and Spock closed the door.

“I was not expecting you.” Which was not at all what Spock wanted to say. And he was dismayed when the half-smile completely disappeared. “But the surprise is not unpleasant.”

With a slight tilt of his head, Jim held out one of the lidded cups toward Spock. “Green tea with lemon.”

Spock took it.

Jim rattled the white bag. “Scones. My favorite kind. I thought we could have breakfast. Well…sort of breakfast.” He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip. “Unless you have other plans?”

“I do not. If you will put your cup and bag down on that table I will take your coat.”

Jim did just that and then shrugged out of the too large coat. “Number One insisted. It’s like drizzling out there or whatever so I have to dress like I’m on Delta Vega or something.”

“You know of Delta Vega?’

“Sure. Well, I’ve never been there. But I’ve studied it. Supposed to be brutally cold with big giant man-eating monsters.” Jim shuddered. “I don’t ever _want_ to be there.”

Spock hung Jim’s coat on a hook by the door.

“I brought breakfast to apologize for wigging out on you yesterday.”

“You do not owe me an apology nor did you ‘wig out’.”

Jim smiled. And there it was. Warmth in Spock’s side. “Well, anyway. The scones are pumpkin. I love anything pumpkin, you should be warned right now. “

“I find it a pleasing flavor.”

“Good.” Jim sat at the table and took the lid off his coffee. “Are you going to sit with me or stand there looking hot?”

Spock blinked, felt himself blush, and then sat across from Jim with his tea. “I assume you acquired this breakfast from the same establishment where you purchase coffee and tea from.”

“Actually, no. I bought the tea and coffee, but I made the pumpkin scones.”

“You baked scones?”

“I’m a man of many talents, Spock. Quite the catch.” Jim winked.

Spock would not disagree.

Jim opened the bag and pulled out two brownish-orange scones and napkins. He handed one of the scones together with the napkin to Spock. Jim flicked his head toward Spock’s PADD. “Academy work?”

“Indeed.”

“I figured you weren’t the Sunday church going type.”

Spock shook his head. “I do not believe in a deity.”

“Me either.” Jim took a bite of his scone. “You should try yours in case you want to replicate something else more to your liking.”

“I am certain this will be acceptable.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “Better try it first. I don’t want to be overwhelmed by those Vulcan compliments of yours.”

Spock arched a brow but lifted the scone up to his mouth. Jim was watching him intently and trying to act as though he were not. Spock decided then and there even if it was the most tasteless baked good he’d ever had it would be extraordinary. He took a bit and chewed.

Jim licked his lips and then took a sip of his coffee.

“It is very strong in pumpkin flavor,” Spock said.

“Is that good or bad for you?”

Spock found he liked it. Which afforded him some relief, because it was not usual for a Vulcan to exaggerate the truth. “It is good. I am enjoying the taste.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah?”

“Indeed.”

“Good.”

They finished the scones in silence.

“What else do you cook?” Spock asked as he used the napkin to wipe his mouth.

“Well, I mostly make desserts. Like cheesecake. A Bundt cake. Chocolate pudding.” Jim eyed Spock. “You can’t eat chocolate right?”

“It is not that we cannot eat it. It acts as a stimulant, similar to alcohol for humans. Vulcans do not appreciate the loss of control.”

“No,” Jim said with a nod. “I don’t suppose they would.”

“Who taught you?”

“Number One. She’s taught me some savory dishes too but most of them I don’t get done as well as the desserts. ” He shook his head and picked up his cup of coffee. “I guess as long as I can find sugar around I won’t starve.” Jim blinked then, his gentle smile fading. His hand on the coffee cup shook.

“Jim?”

The cup slipped through Jim’s fingers and fell onto the table spilling coffee on the table surface as well as on Jim’s leg. He jumped up.

“Ah, geez.”

Spock used the remaining napkins to  quickly wipe up the coffee, ignoring the queasy feeling in his stomach. “Are you burned?”

“No. It wasn’t that hot. Sorry. I’m not usually so clumsy.”

“It is no matter,” Spock said softly. “Are you sure you aren’t injured?”

“I’ve done worse to myself,” Jim assured him. “Can I use your bathroom to try and wash it off?”

“Of course.”

While Jim was in his bathroom, Spock tried to gather his thoughts. He was almost certain that Jim’s own reference to starvation had triggered something in his t’hy’la’s memory. But he could not help but wonder if Spock’s renewed presence in Jim’s life was causing flashes of memory to occur or if Jim had been experiencing brief flashes all this time.

Jim came out of the bathroom with his jeans damp where the coffee had spilled. “And now I really need to get out of your hair.”

“You are not bothering me.”

“Maybe not but I do have a test tomorrow myself.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. How did you know where my dorm was since I did not give you the location?”

“Asked around.” Jim grabbed his coat. “Oh. There is something else.”

“Yes?”

Jim stepped suddenly very close to Spock, completely and thoroughly in Spock’s space. Jim reached up and clutched the front of Spock’s sweater. Before he could ask any questions, Jim’s mouth was on Spock’s, cool, soft and dry. Jim’s lips slanted over Spock’s sending a jolt of awareness all the way down to Spock’s toes. He’d heard humans say once something like it feeling like you were hit by a thunderbolt and this was how it felt to Spock. Electrified. His arms had been previously stiff and at his side, now he raised them to linger lightly at Jim’s waist. This was no chaste kiss between teenaged bondmates. This was a kiss between men, full of sexual promise Spock ached to have.

Jim released him and stepped back, but he was smiling, his blue eyes brighter than the stars. “I didn’t get to give you a kiss last night after our date,” Jim explained.

“I—yes.”

Jim put on his coat then and went to the door. Spock was aware he was staring at Jim, probably with undisguised longing.

“You know where to find me, Spock,” Jim said as he closed the door of Spock’s dorm behind him. 


	18. After the Movie

“That movie was awesome, don’t you think?” Jim asked Spock as they left the movie theater two nights later.

“I did not understand the point of it,” Spock admitted.

“The point?” Jim laughed. “There was no point. It was just, you know, action and stuff.”

Spock inclined his head. “I am pleased you liked it.”

“What do we do now?” Just as he spoke, rain drops began to fall on them. “Ah, damn. I guess going for a long walk is out of the question. You don’t really look like the walking in the rain type.”

“I am not,” Spock acknowledged. He hesitated, torn. He was reluctant to let the evening with Jim end. The more time he spent with Jim the more his mind was disordered. His mind sought the link with Jim’s mind and until they were once more bonded, Spock knew he would have difficulty. He was shielding, there was no other choice, but his shields often wavered with the increasing dynamic presence that was Jim.

“I guess we could go for coffee and tea or something.”

Spock exhaled very slowly. “I have both coffee and tea in my dorm room.”

Jim’s steps faltered for a moment and Spock thought perhaps he had miscalculated the level of interest Jim expressed after all.

“Yeah?” Jim gave him a blinding smile then. He licked his lips. “Then, yeah, let’s go there.”

Spock nodded, but he said nothing, for his stomach was in a flutter of nerves now that he had invited his mate back to his room. He had no experience in such matters. He had no idea if Jim had, though he suspected he had much more than Spock did.

The walk to his room was fairly short but they still got soaked by the rain. Spock obtained a towel for Jim to dry his hair as he removed his rain-soaked coat and hung it on Spock’s coat rack.

“Thanks,” Jim said with a smile as he rubbed his hair.

“Your shirt is damp as well,” Spock commented as hesurveyed Jim.

“Yeah went right through this coat. Wasn’t waterproof.”

“I will bring you something to wear while your shirt dries,” Spock said. He went into his bedroom and chose a charcoal grey sweater. For a moment his fingers lingered on a blue one his mother had made him. But no. Spock had no desire to play with Jim’s memories.

Spock came back out to give Jim the sweater.

“You have a nice big dorm room. Ours is much smaller.”

“This is a premium room,” Spock acknowledged.

“I’ll say. A separate sleeping area and a kitchenette.”

Spock tried not to watch Jim removing his shirt and pulling on the sweater. But it was hard to ignore so much bare skin on display before him. His fingers ached to touch.

“Nice sweater,” Jim said, smoothing his hands all over it. “Reminds me of one I have.”

Spock went into the kitchenette. “You have a similar sweater?” he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

“Yeah, I have a blue one. Doesn’t fit me anymore, though. It was when they first adopted me.”

“And you do not know where you got it?”

Jim smiled kind of sadly. “No. I really loved it though. I’m not even sure why since it’s just an old sweater. I have it at the apartment right now.” Jim laughed. He fingered the sweater he was wearing. “Feels really nice. Soft.”

While Spock watched him Jim got a faraway look in his eyes. He continued to finger the sweater, then he shook his head.

Jim blinked.  “How come you have coffee?”

There was no point in denying how far he’d fallen. “I obtained it for you for if you came back to my dorm.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah?”

Spock turned away so Jim would not see him blush. “I have half and half for you also.”

He reached into the small refrigerator to remove the carton of half and half. When he turned back around he was surprised to find Jim standing very near.

His eyes seemed somehow bluer still as he stared at Spock. His lips were upturned.  “You’re just about perfect, aren’t you?” Jim asked softly.

“I hardly think—”

Jim’s fingers grazed across Spock’s jawline. Spock trembled at the touch. “Vulcans don’t have casual sex. Right?”

Spock swallowed heavily. “We do not.”

“But I don’t think it will at all be casual between us,” Jim said, leaning forward to trace his lips along the same pathway his fingertips had taken.

“No,” Spock said hoarsely. “Not at all casual.”

Jim’s eyelids drifted half closed. “Do you-do you want to?”

Spock wanted to very much. His cock had risen between his legs, pressing maddeningly against the zipper of his pants. But his shields would have to be strong. He could not afford to let them slip while being intimate with Jim. He could not touch Jim’s mind in anyway.

 He put his hand on the small of Jim’s back.

“I would very much like to be intimate with you, Jim.”

Jim leaned closer and touched his lips to Spock’s. “You’ve never, have you?”

Spock shook his head very slightly.

Jim’s tongue darted out to sweep across Spock’s bottom lip. “Do you want to go to your room?”

Spock nodded.

Jim took Spock’s hand and drew him toward Spock’s bedroom.

“You have?” Spock made himself ask as Jim slipped his hands under Spock’s sweater, his fingers splaying over Spock’s abdomen.

“Not everything, no,” Jim said softly. “I’ve never been with a guy. I’ve had a few blowjobs from girls before.”

Spock closed his eyes and nodded.

“Does that make you mad?”

His eyes flew open at the sudden anxiety he heard in Jim’s voice.

“No, ashaya,” he assured his mate. “I could never be angry with you.”

“But you’re disappointed?”

“No. It would be unrealistic to believe that a man of your age and attractiveness had no sexual experience at this point.” Spock shook his head. “It is different for me. I am a Vulcan.”

“You didn’t with your former boyfriend, then?”

“We were too young.”

“Oh.” Jim’s blue eyes were suddenly really troubled.

“Ashaya?”

“I know that word,” Jim whispered.

Spock’s insides clenched. “Do you?”

Jim nodded. “I don’t remember where. On Vulcan, I guess.”

“Yes. Jim, are you well?”

“I’m fine.”

The smile was back but there was an odd distance in Jim’s eyes. Spock did not like it.

“Perhaps we should have our tea and coffee for now,” Spock suggested.

“You don’t want to be together?”

“I do,” Spock said. “But I think we should wait for a little longer.” He hesitated. “If you are agreeable?”

“Okay, sure.”

Spock kissed him. He was not that familiar with human kissing. He had only experienced it when Jim had kissed him two nights before. But when Jim’s eyes light up, he thought perhaps he was getting the hang of it. 


	19. So Much Need

Spock watched Jim sleep long after he himself had awakened. After they’d stayed up talking, Spock had not wanted Jim to go back to his dorm in the middle of the night alone. He was fairly certain Jim could take care of himself, but Spock had lost him once, it was difficult to let him go in any way, and so he’d convinced a sleepy Jim to stay.

Sleeping next to his t’hy’la had been exquisite torture. Jim had curled up next to Spock and Spock had put his arm around Jim’s waist, holding him close all night. The contact was almost unbearably sweet. He found himself wanting to re-form the link with his mate so badly it hurt, but he could not. Not yet.

Jim stirred next to him, his eyelids lifting slowly to reveal the blue. Not for the first time Spock caught his breath just looking at Jim.

“Is it morning?” Jim asked, his voice low and rough with sleep.

“Yes, Jim.”

Jim stretched. He had chosen to sleep on top of the covers, therefore as he stretched the sweater he wore—Spock’s own sweater—inched up to reveal Jim’s abdomen, covered in a fine layer of coarse hair. Spock found himself tempted to mimic Jim’s habit of licking his lips.

“Do you have classes today?” Spock forced himself to ask, more as a distraction from Jim than actual curiosity.

“Uh-huh. You?”

“I do. But not for two more hours.”

“What time is it?”

“Seven-thirty.”

“An ungodly hour if ever there was one.” Jim yawned and stretched again. He made no move to exit Spock’s bed.

“What time is your first class?”

“Eleven. I don’t schedule anything before ten,” Jim said with a lazy smile.

“Do you want coffee?”

“Yeah, but later. What I want now is to pick up where we left off last night.” He leaned over to kiss Spock’s chin.

“To what do you refer?”

“I’m pretty sure you know.” Jim grinned. “My breath’s bad, huh?”

“I did not say so.”

Jim laughed. “Of course not. You’re way too polite. You don’t happen to have a spare toothbrush I can use?”

“I do. I have several extra. One never knows when one will wish to exchange an old brush for a new.”

“True that. Where?”

“Under the bathroom sink.”

“‘Kay. I’m going to brush my teeth and then I’ll be back for more.”

Spock was unsure what ‘more’ referred to as they had not actually done anything, but he watched Jim swagger over to the bathroom with an arched brow. Quite clearly his t’hy’la was still very interested in taking their relationship to the next level.  Apparently to young Jim’s mind, waiting a little longer meant the next morning.

It was not that Spock did not wish to satisfy his own body’s urges with Jim. He most definitely did. But if he became that intimate with Jim could he control his mind’s urge to be with Jim in all ways? Being only half-Vulcan, Spock did not always have the best control over his mental shields, which was a matter of personal shame for him. And it had always been Jim who could make his shields crumble more than anyone or anything else.

Jim came back and flopped down on the bed, his young face, fresh and innocent, but also eager. Spock found himself wanting to smile.

“You want to brush yours too?” Jim asked.

“I probably should,” Spock agreed.

He got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom, aware of Jim’s gaze on him. Inside the bathroom, he bent over to open the cabinet beneath the sink. For a moment he simply stared in there, uncertain what to do. Since Jim had been in the cabinet he could not have failed to notice the bottle of lubricant Spock had there. He reached in and picked it up, and after brushing his teeth, returned to Jim in the bedroom.

Jim smiled when he spotted what Spock had in his hand. “Does that mean what I hope it means?”

Spock sat on the edge of the bed. “Last night we discussed waiting a little longer for sexual intimacy.”

Jim’s gaze swept away, his color suddenly much redder than before. “I-I know. I just—”

“Shh. There is no need to be distressed or embarrassed, ashaya. I just wish to be certain this is the right move for us right now.”

“You think I’m pushing you?’ Jim was looking toward Spock but over his shoulder.

“Jim, please, look at me.”

“I am.”

Spock shook his head. “You are not. I am not over my shoulder.”

Jim’s gaze reluctantly shifted to Spock’s face.

“You have studied Vulcans.”

“Yes.”

“Then you are aware sexual intimacy is different for us.”

“I already know you don’t have casual sex. We talked about it.”

“Yes, but it is a loss of control that Vulcans do not welcome due to our desire to live logical lives. Not only is it a matter of physical intimacy but also mental intimacy. It is nearly impossible for us to separate the two as humans often are capable.”

Jim frowned. “What are you saying?”

“You must make quite sure what your intentions are toward me before I can agree to become intimate with you,” Spock said as bluntly and as gently as he was able.

“You’re afraid I’ll hurt you,” Jim said softly. “Not physically but emotionally. Like your boyfriend did.”

Spock swallowed. “In a manner, yes.”

To Spock’s surprise, Jim reached for his hands and turned them over to once more study Spock’s shame. Jim traced the scars with aching gentleness.

“I’m sorry he did this to you,” Jim whispered. “Whatever you went through must have been awful.”

“Yes,” Spock forced himself to reply.

“I can see why you don’t want to be pushed into anything. It’s just, God, I really like you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. And I don’t know if it’s love or not, because I’m not even sure what that is, but I’m so drawn to you, Spock. I can’t seem to stay away.”

“I assure you, I do not want you to stay away.”

Jim lifted Spock’s wrists toward his mouth. He placed a chaste kiss on each of them that sent electric little tingles all the way up Spock’s arms and to his brain. It yearned for this human.

“Want to come to dinner tonight at my folks’ apartment?”

The abrupt change of topic startled Spock so that all he did—all he could do—was stare at Jim.

Jim’s smile was a beautiful thing. “I want you to be ready, Spock. I want you like crazy. Really. It’s making me a little nuts to wait. But we shouldn’t do it just because I want to. It should be both of us.”

“I do want you.”

“But you aren’t ready.”

“Perhaps not,” Spock admitted with a great deal of reluctance. Part of him feared that if he didn’t share this with Jim, his mate would grow tired of Spock and seek out such things with others.

“Spock, I can wait,” Jim said softly. “I mean it may not seem like it from a few minutes ago, but I can. Okay?”

“Yes.”

“So do you want to come to dinner tonight?”

“I do.”

“Terrific. And how about that coffee now?”

“Indeed. I will get up now and make it.”

Jim flopped back on the bed with a smile.


	20. The Locket

Dinner at Pike’s apartment had gone well. It had only been Spock, Jim, and Mrs. Pike, as Captain Pike had another engagement that required his presence. Jim had smiled frequently in Spock’s direction, which Spock had found very encouraging.

It had been easy to see the extreme closeness Jim had with Mrs. Pike and Spock could not help but compare Jim’s relationship with his mother, Winona Kirk. Though Commander Kirk had been kind, and Spock had no doubt she had loved Jim and his brother, Sam, she had never been an on-hands mother, from Spock’s observation. She had spent a lot of time focused on her career.

After dessert of a particularly flavorful custard, Jim had asked Spock to join him in his bedroom for privacy. Spock was not certain exactly what Jim had in mind, since he had just told Spock he could wait, but on the other hand Jim was a young human male with overactive hormones.

When they got to the room, though, Jim went right to his PADD and picked it up. “Sorry. I forgot I had to reply to Bones about something. Make yourself at home.” Jim sat at a chair at a desk and started typing extremely fast.

“You said you still had the blue sweater from your youth?”

“Huh? Oh yeah. It’s in that closet. You can look at it if you want.”

Spock glanced at the closet and hesitated for a moment. He was not even certain why but he suddenly felt very uneasy. And it made no logical sense.  It was almost as though the severed bond was throbbing in his head, but that was not possible. He had felt the bond break when Jim was thirteen.

He went to the closet anyway and opened it, looking in. There were not a lot of sweaters there. Many more T-shirts. So it was easy to find the blue sweater Mother had made for Spock, and which he had sent to Jim.

As Spock lifted the hanger out of the closet, he turned to Jim. “Were you wearing this sweater when they found you?” Spock asked, thinking of the report he read of an unknown blond boy in a blue sweater.

Jim’s eyes rose from the screen of his PADD and focused intently on the sweater. Too intently, Spock realized almost immediately. Jim’s face lost all color and his eyes went really wide.

“Jim?”

“Put that down.”

Spock blinked. “What?”

Jim tossed his PADD down hard and stood up. “Put it down! Put it down!” He was shouting now.

“Jim, I—”

“It’s mine! You can’t have it. You can’t.”

“I do not want it. I am not trying to take it.”

“You’re lying. You want to take it from me. Well, you can’t! It belongs to me,” Jim said, advancing on Spock and snatching the sweater out of Spock’s hands. “I won’t let you steal it.”

Jim’s eyes were hazed, distant.

The door opened and Mrs. Pike came in. “Jim, what’s all the shouting?”

Jim blinked rapidly, clutching the blue sweater. He backed up into the corner of  the room. Spock realized that Jim was crying.

“Jim, it was not my intention to upset you.”

Mrs. Pike glanced at Spock and bit her lip. She turned back to Jim, approaching him cautiously. “It’s all right, baby. It’s all right. No one is going to take your sweater. It’s yours. It’s all right.”

Spock was uncertain what to do. He stood there awkwardly, at a loss.

Mrs. Pike looked at him again. “Can you wait outside, Spock?”

He did not want to leave Jim like this. His t’hy’la was clearly upset. But it was Spock who upset him. He turned toward the bedroom door and as he left he heard Jim speak.

“Spock?”

“Shh, it’s all right, Jim. You’re okay. Do you know where you are?”

****

Spock waited in the living room when Mrs. Pike came out alone.

“Can you have a seat, Spock? I’d like to talk with you.” She indicated the couch, so Spock sat there and she sat beside him.

“How is Jim?”

“He’s doing better. He’s resting. I gave him a sedative.”

“I see.”

She sighed. “In the beginning, when we first took him home from that place, he had a lot of episodes like that. Memory triggers they said. He’d get very upset, like tonight. Chris and I weren’t sure what to do for him. There were doctors, of course. Some helped and some made it worse.”

“What happened?”

She shrugged. “Eventually they went away and he stopped having them. I don’t know the reason. I didn’t care either. I was just glad he wasn’t getting so upset like that. He used to have terrible panic attacks.”

“He had one the other day,” Spock admitted.

She frowned. “He didn’t mention it to me.”

“Perhaps he thought it best for you not to know.”

“Spock, this is what I want to talk to you about. He went years without all of this. Living a happy and well-adjusted life. And then you come along and it starts all over again. I think with your prior relationship and its significance it’s likely to get worse than before.”

“It is not my intention to make things difficult for him.”

“I’m sure you don’t want that, but the truth is, Spock, you are. Jim is not the young boy you knew from those days. He’s not ever going to be that boy. Things have changed. Your bond was severed. And those memories from then, from that place, and of his mother and brother, all of that are better left buried. He doesn’t need any of that.”

Spock did not care for the direction of this conversation at all. He knew very well what Mrs. Pike was implying. He did not wish for it.

“What exactly are you saying, Mrs. Pike?” he asked, forcing her to tell him. To say the words he dreaded out loud.

“I’m asking you to leave my son alone,” Mrs. Pike said softly. “I know you think he’s your ancient bondmate or whatever, and I sympathize, I do, but Jim is not Vulcan and can’t be expected to live by Vulcan dictates. In our culture, he is free to choose whomever he wants to be with, free of mind links and manipulations.”

“They are not manipulations.”

“I don’t mean to be offensive,” she said, holding up her hand. “But it’s not the same for us. Surely you can see that. Your presence around Jim is making him remember things he is better off forgetting. “

“Perhaps Jim does not feel the same way. Jim is an adult and can make up his own mind.”

“I am still the only mother he has known, the only one he remembers in his current state. And I have only his best interests in mind. While you also have your own.”

Spock clenched his fists. “You are asking me to stay away from him.”

“Yes.”

“To abandon my t’hy’la.”

She nodded.

“It would hurt him.”

“Perhaps at first, yes. But eventually, he would get over it and find someone else to love.”

“Someone more appropriate,” Spock struggled to keep the bitterness out of his tone but he feared he very much failed.

“I’m sorry,” was all she said.

Spock stood. “I will see myself out.”

When he made it outside of the apartment building, Spock discovered it was raining. He had no umbrella and didn’t presently care if he was soaked to the bone by the time he made it back to his dormitory. 

He only wished that he could feel numb. He’d heard humans use that term from time to time and he’d never really known what it meant. But based on his understanding of it and the context it was most often used, Spock wished to feel that way.

He had loved his t’hy’la nine years ago and if anything he loved him more now. Was Jim’s adoptive mother correct and Spock should leave Jim alone for his own sake?

He was cold and wet when he unlocked the door to his room, but he made no move to rectify the state he was in. He just stood in the middle of the front room, staring hopelessly at nothing.

When there was an unexpected rap at his door, Spock actually jumped a little. He went to it and opened it without giving it much thought.

Jim stood there, blond hair wet and plastered to his head. Blue eyes looking bluer than Spock had yet seen. His color had not really returned, except for two patches of red on his cheeks.

“Jim?” Spock whispered, not daring to hope.

“I heard what she said to you,” Jim said, coming toward Spock and embracing him. Spock’s arms came around him. “I don’t really even understand it.”

“Jim—”

“But please don’t stay away. Please?”

Jim’s shaking fingers went to the necklace at Spock’s throat. He lifted the locket. He met Spock’s gaze. “May I?”

Spock’s breath stuttered in his throat. He nodded.

Jim thumbed the locket open. He stared at the picture within for what seemed an eternity. Finally he looked up to meet Spock’s eyes. “This is me.”


	21. I'll Use You as a Focal Point

_Jim thumbed the locket open. He stared at the picture within for what seemed an eternity. Finally he looked up to meet Spock’s eyes. “This is me.”_

“Isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

Jim still held onto the locket. His fingers shook a little but he had not yet showed signs of another panic attack. His blue eyes were searching Spock’s, his gaze penetrating. Spock could almost see Jim’s mind trying to work it all out.

“I gave this to you?” Jim asked softly.

“You did. I told you I would never take it off. And I have not.”

To Spock’s dismay, Jim’s eyes began to fill with tears. The locket fell from his fingers and he stepped back and out of Spock’s arms.

“Jim—”

“I-I don’t remember.”

Spock’s heart ached more than it ever had. “I know.”

Jim bit his lip even as the first tear fell onto his cheek. “I should remember something so important, shouldn’t I?”

“It is all right, ashaya. You do not have to remember.”

“No, it’s not all right.” Jim clenched his eyes closed and backed up another step. Even the few steps that separated them seemed like a chasm of space Spock dared not cross. “All that-that stuff you and Number One were talking about? What was that? Ancient bondmate. T’hy’la.” Jim opened his eyes, and his whole face was wet with tears. “What does that all mean? Spock?”

Spock swallowed heavily. “You and I are…were bonded. In the ways of Vulcans. As children, not long after you, your mother, and your brother came to live on Vulcan.”

“Brother?” Jim shook his head. “I had a brother?”

“Yes.”

Jim blinked rapidly. “Where is he?”

“He is…no longer alive,” Spock said softly.

“Oh.”

“I am sorry, ashaya.”

“I don’t understand any of this.” Jim actually took a step forward. “I gave you the necklace.”

“Yes.” Spock hesitated. “The blue sweater was made by my mother and I gave it to you.”

Jim’s breaths shuddered, he looked wrecked. “Spock, I need—I need—”

“What? Whatever I have is yours.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Jim then went into Spock’s arms again and Spock pulled him closer still, wrapping his arms tight around his mate. “Please don’t go away.”

Spock closed his eyes and squeezed Jim. “I will not.”

“I’ve never felt like this,” Jim whispered against Spock’s neck. “Never.”

“Nor have I. For anyone else.”

“Is it love?”

“Yes, it is love. And also stronger than love. It transcends all.”

His neck was wet where Jim’s tears fell, and then the wetness felt warm as Jim’s heavy breaths hit the moisture.

Jim stiffened unexpectedly and then pulled away. Not entirely out of Spock’s arms, but enough that he was staring at Spock. His sapphire eyes glistened with tears, so they looked especially like sparkling gemstones.

“What, Jim?”

Jim slid his hands down Spock’s arms until he reached Spock’s wrists, which he turned up. Jim’s fingers stroked over the scars there.

“Am I—did you—Spock?” Jim gulped big lungful’s of air. His eyes now overflowed with tears, streaming down his face. “Because-because of me?”

Spock could not lie to his t’hy’la, not even to spare him pain. “You were lost to me and it was a difficult time.”

“No.” Jim shook his head rapidly. “No. Please.”

“Ashaya—”

Jim flung himself back into Spock’s arms with such force Spock hit the door of his dormitory. “Don’t. Please. Don’t. Not for me. Okay? Never. Please? I can’t-I couldn’t bear that. Please don’t ever do that. Please?” Jim was sobbing and babbling. Repeating the same thing over and over again and clutching onto Spock like Spock was his lifeline. Spock felt an answering prick of tears in his own eyes.

“I will not,” Spock promised, his voice cracking.

“Promise.”

“I do. I did.”

“Say the words, Spock.” Jim clutched at him.

“I promise I will not.”

Jim’s hold on Spock increased. “You have to mean that.”

“I do.”

“No matter what.”

“Jim.”

Jim grabbed Spock’s face in his hands and stared into Spock’s eyes. “No matter what happens to me. Promise.”

Spock closed his eyes. It was too much. The emotion was breaking him.

“I love you, Spock. I love you so much.” Jim was kissing his face now. Spock’s wet eyelids, his cheeks, the edge of his mouth, and then finally his mouth.

With a strangled cry, Spock picked up his mate off the ground, crushing their bodies together, as he returned Jim’s kisses eagerly, wantonly. Jim was not light, full of all lithe muscle, but he was easy for Spock to carry nonetheless.

He carried his mate to his bed. They fell upon it together, for neither of them wanted to let go of the other. His lips devoured Jim’s, never parting from each other even to allow breathing. This was Jim. His t’hy’la. His mate. His everything. No one would part them again. No matter who would try.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'du,” Spock got out against Jim’s lips, just as Jim’s hot moist tongue slipped inside Spock’s mouth.

Jim finally pulled away to catch his breath, his breathing coming out in heavy pants. There were still tears in his eyes, but he was smiling, and his lips were swollen with Spock’s kisses, which only tempted Spock to kiss him more thoroughly.

Off came Jim’s wet shirt over his head. Spock’s came off next. Spock crushed Jim to him once more, their bare chests aligned. He could feel Jim’s heart beating in his chest, was equally certain Jim could feel his own beating in his side. Their mouths fused together, each one unable to get enough of the taste of the other.

Spock was hard, very very aroused. And as Jim pressed against him, he could feel his mate’s arousal too. Neither of them would last long in this. They’d waited too long for this first mating. Had loved each other for most of their lives.

He reached down and undid Jim’s jeans. He then saw to the fastenings of his own pants.

“Spock,” Jim whispered, his voice shaky. “Please?”

“Yes, my beautiful James.”


	22. One and Together

Spock had heard of something he wished to try with Jim. Had thought about trying it with Jim ever since Jim had miraculously come back into his life. With both of them being so very hard, it was the perfect chance.

He kissed Jim deeply once more, before  scooting down his mate’s body.

“Spock?”

“One moment.”

He pulled Jim’s wet pants and underwear the rest of the way off his body, pausing to discard the shoes, and then did the same for himself. Spock turned around so that his mouth was at Jim’s crotch, and Jim’s erect penis was just an inch way from his lips. He was straddling Jim’s face with his own crotch.

When Spock felt a lick on the tip of his cock, he knew Jim had gotten the idea of what he proposed.

While it was true Spock had never executed the act of sucking a cock, he had the ability to do research, which he had done, and so he was fully aware of how it was accomplished. Not to mention Jim had already gone to work on Spock’s own cock, giving a fine demonstration.

This was an act, along with others, Spock had never imagined he would do, given the loss of his mate all those years ago, but now that he had the—dare he think it—miracle of having Jim back, Spock relished it.

He curled his fingers around the base of Jim’s cock, noting Jim twitched beneath him, and sucked Jim’s shaft deep into his mouth and throat, as his research had shown.

Jim gasped and pushed up into Spock’s mouth, his own attention to Spock’s penis momentarily forgotten. Since it was Spock’s goal to please Jim, he did not care if his own member was neglected for the moment.

His mate was young and human, with little control, so it didn’t take long for Jim to completely abandon himself to Spock’s ministrations. Spock felt the pulse of Jim’s hard penis in his mouth and knew he would release soon. Spock increased the pressure of his sucking mouth and was rewarded with Jim screaming himself hoarse as he emptied down Spock’s throat.

He released Jim’s now spent cock and moved around so that he could watch as Jim, flushed pink, panted heavily.

Jim blinked rapidly at Spock. “That was-that was—”

“Satisfactory?” Spock supplied.

Jim laughed breathlessly. “Yeah.” He wiped his hand across his face. “Gimme a minute.”

“You wish for more?”

Jim nodded. “Uh-huh. You totally need to come.”

Spock felt himself blush. “It-it is not necessary.”

Jim gave him an incredulous look. “Seriously?”

“I wish only to please you, Jim. All else is secondary.”

Jim shook his head but he was smiling. “That gives me the warm and fuzzies, Spock. But no. I want—I want …”

“What do you want?”

Jim was even pinker than before which made Spock realize his mate was blushing. “I want you to-to be inside me. You know. When.”

And if that didn’t make Spock’s penis decide it was very much interested in coming after all, well—

He cleared his throat. “We do not have to rush it, ashaya.”

“Rush it? We’re not rushing it, Spock. I’ve been thinking about it since I met you.” Jim frowned. “I mean this time. I guess.”

“You do not need to think over hard on our past, Jim,” Spock assured him.

“You just said hard,” Jim said with a grin, reminding Spock how young his mate still was.

Spock shook his head at Jim’s impish smile. “Mrs. Pike will worry about you. You should let her know where you are.”

Jim nodded. “After.” He hooked a foot around Spock’s leg, drawing him closer. “Please? I want you so much. I want us to be everything.”

Spock doubted he could deny Jim anything, so he leaned down and covered Jim’s lips with his own. Jim sighed into the kiss and with a hand on the nape of Spock’s neck, drew him closer still, until their bodies seemed as one.  Spock’s skin seemed alive wherever it contacted Jim’s and he suspected it was their bond trying to reconnect. He did not know if his mate was ready for that.

“Jim—” Spock pulled away from the temptation of Jim’s lips. He needed to explain.

“Shh.” Jim pulled him back into the heady kiss, back into the too right feel of Jim’s arms, his essence. Jim reached for the lubricant from the side table where it had been left before and pressed it into Spock’s hands.

Spock forced his lips away from Jim’s, just an inch or so. Jim’s breath tingled Spock’s skin. “Jim, the bond—”

Jim’s blue eyes were hazed with lust, his pupils blown wide. “Spock, please. Make me yours.”

He realized Jim was getting hard again and his own penis got impossible hard in response. But he was Vulcan. He should have control.

Jim’s fingers touched Spock’s cock and he was lost, crushing Jim’s mouth under his with a ferocity that surprised both of them. He needed to mate with Jim, needed to be with him, feeling him everywhere.

Spock slicked his fingers and lifted Jim’s legs enough to gain access to the entrance between Jim’s perfect cheeks. Neither of them had ever done this part, but fortunately Spock’s research had afforded him the knowledge, so he carefully pushed a finger inside Jim.

Jim’s breath hitched a little but his expression didn’t change as he kept his gaze locked on Spock’s. Love, lust, and trust. It almost overwhelmed Spock. Jim’s muscles clenched around Spock’s finger. Spock trembled. So much contact. So much.

Jim licked his lips. “Spock?”

Spock kissed him again, adding a second finger, pushing past the tight ring. It was not enough. Not for either of them, even as Jim moaned and moved. Jim’s hands grasped at Spock’s biceps. His eyes pleaded.

Spock withdrew his fingers and slicked up his erection. He lifted Jim’s legs to wrap around Spock’s waist as he very slowly and gently pushed inside Jim’s ass.

He couldn’t contain his own gasp at the snug fit of Jim’s body around his cock. It was…ecstasy beyond anything he had imagined. He rocked forward until he was fully inside his mate, their bodies joined thoroughly. As Spock began to thrust into Jim, Jim’s eyes met his and suddenly Spock could barely breathe as his mind burst open wide to let Jim’s mind enter. There was warmth, there was sun.

_Las’hark_.

The brilliance of Jim’s mind fractured every last ounce of Spock’s control and he began to pound forcefully into his mate. Jim didn’t seem to mind for he met every thrust with his hips raised, his eyes half-closing as Spock pummeled his body.

Spock had never experienced an orgasm before, finding it very illogical to pleasure himself, so when it came upon him with shocking suddenness, he was startled—not unpleasantly so—especially since through their mind link he experienced the power of Jim’s also. With sounds escaping his lips that he had been unable to control, Spock shuddered and shook as he poured his seed inside his mate…his Jim.

Spock pulled out of Jim and slid up the bed to instantly pull Jim in his arms, holding him as tight as Spock dared.

“Spock, are we?” Jim asked into Spock’s neck.

“Yes.” He stroked his thumb across Jim’s cheek. “You are crying.”

Jim pulled back to stare at Spock. “So are you.”

Spock realized it was true. He pulled Jim into a kiss. “You overwhelm me, ashayam.”

Jim gave him the tiniest hint of a smile. “Right back at you.”

“Have I frightened you?” Spock reluctantly asked, his heart pounding.

“No, sweetheart,” Jim whispered. He took Spock’s hand and placed it on his heart. “I feel the same as you.”

Spock nodded, swallowing thickly. “I cherish thee.”

“I know. I feel it.” Jim let out a shaky breath. “Kind of everywhere.”

“I was unable to prevent our joining.”

Jim’s smile widened. “I didn’t want you to prevent it.”

“You are certain?”

“Relax, Spock. I’m certain.” Jim flopped down to lay his head on Spock‘s chest. He sighed. “I guess I need to let Number One know where I am.”

“It would be prudent. Before the authorities show up at my door accusing me of abduction.”

Jim laughed.

“I was not joking.”

Jim shook his head. “She won’t. But yeah, I’ll do it now.” Jim pulled out of Spock’s arms and rose from the bed and Spock wanted him back instantly.  


	23. If Our Love is Tragedy, Why Are You My Remedy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically an afterglow lovefest between them

Spock made himself busy while Jim talked privately with Mrs. Pike from Spock’s bedroom. Part of him wanted to listen in on the conversation, no matter how much it was not his business. After all Jim was his mate and the Vulcan part of Spock felt anything to do with Jim was his business. In this case though, Spock’s human side won out and he allowed Jim privacy.

He made himself tea and Jim coffee. He paced the kitchenette and then the front room. He checked outside to see that, indeed, it was still raining. Still Jim did not emerge.

Spock would have to inform his own parents about the reestablishment of his t’hy’la bond with Jim. He suspected there would need to be a similar bonding ceremony to the one they had as children since that bond had been severed when Jim was on Tarsus IV.

Finally the door of his bedroom opened and Jim stepped out. His expression was unreadable, which Spock could not deny gave him a small amount of frustration.

“I made you coffee,” Spock said for want of a better topic.

“Oh. Good. Thanks.” Jim stepped toward the kitchen where Spock had left both Jim’s coffee and his own tea.

“You are returning to the apartment?” Spock asked.

Jim’s eyebrows rose, both of them. “What? No. Why would I?”

“Mrs. Pike—” He stopped when Jim smiled. It was a particularly fetching smile.

“I’m actually an adult, Spock. I don’t run home when my mommy says so.”

Spock cleared his throat. “Did she?”

Jim waved his hand as he picked up his coffee mug. “She tried to suggest it. I told her I was fine spending the night where I am. We’ll have more words tomorrow. She was tired and Chris had come home.”

“I did not intend to make things difficult between you.”

“You didn’t. That was all her. I know she means well though. We’re good, Spock. Don’t worry.” He held up Spock’s tea. “Your tea is getting cold.”

Spock came to collect it in the kitchen. “I admit I am rather clueless about what to do now. I have never had anyone spend the night with me.”

“I know. Me either. Well, okay. Once Bones. But-but that was completely innocent.”

Spock tamped down the jealousy before it reared too much. After all he knew that Jim had not been with Dr. McCoy in that way. “You do seem to share a certain closeness with Dr. McCoy.”

“Before you came along he was basically my only friend here.” Jim shrugged as though he was not bothered by that. “Not because you know I’m some terrible guy or anything. I just focus a lot on studies.”

“I am well aware you are not terrible. You are also highly intelligent.”

‘Well, with the memory losses I’ve had to focus extra time to learning everything. Re-learn I guess. At times it’s been kind of frustrating. Anyway, so, yeah. Bones is one of my few friends, so we’re really close.”

“I am gratified he has had a positive presence in your life.” Spock moved closer to Jim. Simply because he wanted to be near him. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really, no.” Jim smiled. “Why don’t we sit together on your couch? You with your tea and me with my coffee.”

Spock nodded and waited for Jim to go first. But when they reached the couch, Jim waited until Spock had seated himself and then he basically placed himself in Spock’s lap. Spock found that he did not mind in the least.

“This is okay?” Jim asked, leaning back against Spock.

Spock shifted so that his legs were on the sofa and Jim lay completely on Spock. “It is quite acceptable,” Spock assured him.

“I like to listen to the rain,” Jim spoke softly. “There’s something kind of romantic about it.”

“It is mere precipitation.”

Jim laughed, which Spock realized was his purpose for what he’d said. He wanted Jim to laugh. “Yeah I know what it is. But the rain, it’s cozy. Well, when it’s not pouring cats and dogs.”

“I have never seen that.”

Jim smiled and snuggled closer to Spock. “No, I don’t suppose you have.”

Spock realized Jim had set his coffee cup on the coffee table and had now wrapped his arms around Spock’s middle. It was very pleasant and reminded Spock of his closeness with Jim before Tarsus IV had taken so much from them.

“What is Tarsus IV exactly?”

Spock stiffened. “Did you get that from me? You received my thoughts?”

“You’ve thought about it a few times,” Jim said. “And yeah, I guess I am getting that from your mind. Does that bother you?”

“No. That is the way our bond is supposed to work, ashaya. It disturbs me that I do not school my thoughts better.”

“Why? It’s bad, isn’t it?”

”I will not lie, Jim. It is what separated us. Tarsus IV was a colonized planet. Captain Pike and his wife believe forcing you to remember that time would be a mistake. Given your reaction to both my locket and your sweater, they may be correct that it would be best for those memories to remain buried.”

“So I went there after leaving Vulcan?”

Spock nodded. “Your mother was reassigned to Tarsus IV. You and your brother went with her.” He felt Jim tense and Spock moved his fingers to Jim’s head, massaging gently. “You do not have to remember if you do not wish to.”

“I don’t remember them. At all,” Jim whispered.

Spock felt Jim’s sorrow and it made him react in kind. He tightened his hold on his t’hy’la. “Do you want to remember?”

“Maybe. I mean I can’t remember our time then, yours and mine. And I should.”

Spock hesitated. “I am content with what we have now and for the future.”

“Are you?”

“I would never wish to cause you pain, Jim. To do so would be anathema to me.”

“I don’t even know if I can remember.”

“There is a chance if we fully meld that I would access your memories, however dormant, and inadvertently cause you to recall them.”

Jim frowned, looking back at Spock. “But we have to meld, don’t we?”

“We do not.”

“But-but you want to, don’t you? Isn’t that part of Vulcans? And their bondmates?”

“If you did not want to meld, I would forgo it.”

“Spock—”

“I would do anything for you.”

Jim visibly swallowed and pressed into Spock. “I know.”

“I will consult with my father about melding. Perhaps I am concerned for no reason.”

Jim sighed. “I’m not fragile.”

“I know, ashaya. If you want to remember, I will support you. Whatever you want is what I want.”

“Just-Just be with me, all right?”

“I will never leave your side.”


	24. Breakfast of Domesticity

Spock woke with the feel of a naked Jim in his arms. He could certainly get used to the feel of Jim in his arms and in his bed every morning for the rest of their lives. Jim still slept as Spock held him, so Spock spent some time relishing in so much exposed skin. Their bond was lit up bright and powerful and Spock nearly purred with contentment.

This is what they should have been experiencing for the last nine years when Jim was taken from him. There was a faint spot in Jim’s mind that wasn’t quite what the rest of it was and Spock suspected that was related to Jim’s past on Tarsus IV and his prior life to that. It didn’t have the same healthy glow the rest of Jim’s brain did. It wasn’t sick exactly but it was just a bit off. Spock decided not to probe it for now. He had little experience with mind melds, as he’d told Jim, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt his t’hy’la.

He realized that Jim had become very good at blocking Spock in that prior time. He didn’t know how Jim had learned it so well, other than Jim had always been beyond clever. He was extraordinary even then. He’d kept much of what had been going on with him and his family from Spock in order to shield Spock from it. Though he adored Jim for the consideration, Spock did not want Jim to block him that way. Had he known then what was going on, he would have done all that he could and more to get Jim away from it. Even if he’d had to go against Vulcan itself to do so.

After they had cuddled together on the couch, they’d eventually moved back to the bed where they’d had a very satisfactory bout of lovemaking. Jim was a very responsive and eager lover and Spock found that he could not resist indulging him.

As he stared, perhaps too captivated for a true Vulcan, Jim’s lashes fluttered, then lifted entirely to reveal that beloved blue. It took Jim a moment for him to focus but when he did his lush lips curved into a smile that sped up the beat of Spock’s heart.

“Hi.”

“Good morning, Jim.”

Jim stretched. A little. Spock still clung to him so it was hard for Jim to stretch overmuch. He didn’t protest, though, so Spock didn’t release him. Jim kissed Spock lightly on the lips. They both had morning breath, but Spock didn’t much care and it certainly hadn’t stopped Jim from kissing him.

“Can we just spend the day in bed exploring every inch of each other?” Jim asked with a lazy yawn.

“While that does sound like an immensely pleasant way to spend the day, you have forgotten that we are having a visitor for breakfast.”

As though on cue, Spock heard the bell on his door room door ring.

“Damn,” Jim muttered. “His timing sucks.”

Spock reluctantly released his mate, instantly regretting the loss of skin contact, and rose from the bed. He dressed quickly, telling Jim. “You do not need to hurry, t’hy’la.”

Jim shook his head. “May as well get this over with.” He swung his legs out of bed even as Spock touched his fingers lightly to Jim’s and made it to his dorm room door just as the ringing bell became more persistent.

“Doctor.”

“What the hell’s going on in here anyway? I was invited for breakfast,” McCoy muttered as he stepped inside the room. Jim picked that moment to come out of the bedroom, still pulling on his shirt. “Never mind. I have a pretty good idea what was going on.”

“Morning to you too, Bones.” Jim greeted the doctor with a sunny smile. “Your hair’s wet.”

“Don’t I know it? Still raining. I think we may have to build arks.”

“Are you speaking of the mythological Noah’s Ark, doctor?”

McCoy stared at Spock, then shook his head. “Tell me you have coffee.”

“We have coffee,” Spock obliged. “It has not been made yet, however.”

“Yeah, well, I can see you were busy.”

Jim laughed. “We sure were.” He walked into Spock’s kitchenette to make the coffee. Dr. McCoy followed and Spock followed also. “I’ll make you tea, babe.”

“Thank you,” Spock murmured.

Dr. McCoy snorted. “Babe, huh? Like that is it?”

Before Spock could reply in the affirmative, Jim beat him to it. “It is. In fact, Bones, when you’ve had a few sips of your coffee, I should probably tell you something.”

McCoy leaned against the counter. “Might as well tell me now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Shoot.”

Jim shrugged. “Spock and I got married last night.”

McCoy straightened so fast Spock was surprised he didn’t pull something. “You-you what?”

Jim smiled and continued to spoon coffee into the maker. He seemed quite nonchalant over the doctor’s sputtering. “Vulcan married.”

“With the voodoo and everything?”

“It is not voodoo, doctor,” Spock replied.

“Definitely not,” Jim agreed. “But we’re all telepathically connected now. To make a long story short—”

“And without graphic details,” McCoy muttered.

“I came over here last night, Spock and I got all gooey romantic and declared our undying love, we made love a few times, bonded ourselves, and are now married.”

“You call that without details?”

Jim patted McCoy’s arm. “Told you that you should have coffee first.” He pushed the button and then turned to make tea for Spock.

“So, what does this all mean? Are you getting human married too?”

“If Jim would like to do so I have no objection.”

Jim shrugged. “The Vulcan marriage is legal with the Federation and Starfleet. Unless the folks insist, I’m good this way.”

“Are you going to cohabit together and everything?” McCoy demanded.

Jim glanced at Spock. “We are, aren’t we, sweetheart?”

Spock was fairly certain the tips of his ears were green as McCoy peered at him somewhat incredulous. He cleared his throat. “I would assume so.”

Jim thrust a mug into the doctor’s hands. “Eggs, potatoes, and pumpkin scones, all right with you, doc?”

“Sure, sure. Nobody cares what I think anyway.”

Jim walked over to Spock with a china cup and placed it into his hands with a smile. “Ignore him. He just has a problem with domesticity.”

McCoy sunk down into a chair and took a large swallow of his coffee. “At least the coffee’s good.”

Jim ruffled McCoy’s hair as he went by, then laughed when the doctor scowled.  

“Why does the doctor hate domesticity?” Spock wondered.

“Divorce. Nasty.” Jim shrugged. “Or so Bones says. He has a kid and everything.”

“You have a child, doctor?”

“Yeah. A daughter.” McCoy grimaced. “Never get to see her. She’s back in Georgia.”

Jim smiled at his friend. “We’ll go and see her some time, like we said.”

“Yeah.” McCoy almost smiled, then lifted his coffee to his lips. “Where’s my breakfast?”

“Coming up.” Jim turned back toward the small fridge but first stopped to give a quick kiss to Spock. For a moment, Spock felt something…anxiety…flit across their bond, but when he tried to grab on to it and study it, it was gone.


	25. The Truth Will Come

Dr. McCoy had long since left and still Jim lingered on the couch, making no move to leave Spock’s dorm room. Not that Spock wanted him to leave. Jim had indicated a desire to live with Spock and Spock had every intention of encouraging that. In fact, Jim had advised the doctor he would be by later to collect his belongings from the dorm room he had previously shared with McCoy.

Spock had anticipated Jim would wish to go to Captain Pike’s apartment to discuss the situation with them, as indeed he believed they had requested, and yet Jim had made no move to do so.

“Jim?”

“Spock?” Jim’s lips were curved ever so slightly. He patted a spot on the couch next to him. Spock inclined his head and took the offered seat. “What’s on your mind?”

“You,” Spock said honestly.

The slight smile slipped from Jim’s face. “Me? Why?”

“I sensed disquiet in you earlier. And you seem…reluctant to see Pike and Number One.”

“Oh, that.” He waved his hand. “It’s still raining. I figured why should we get wet?”

“Jim.”

“What’s the hurry anyway? They know where I am. It’s not like I live with them full time or anything anymore. I’ve been staying in a dorm for the most part.”

“Why do you wish to avoid a confrontation with them?”

“Because I already know what she’s going to say. She doesn’t think we should be together. She doesn’t think I should try and remember. I heard everything she said to you, Spock. Most of it anyway.”

“Avoiding her will certainly not change her mind.”

“I don’t care about changing her mind. We’re together and that’s the way it is. The way it should always have been, right?”

“We are t’hy’la, yes.”

“As well as bonded when I lost my memories. I love you, you love me. She doesn’t get a say in any of that.”

Spock reached for Jim’s hand and touched his fingers to Jim’s in an effort to calm him. “Agreed. I have no intention of changing what we are, Jim. But antagonizing her is surely not the way to maintain a relationship with her. She is the only mother you remember.”

“She’s not my real mother.”

“No. But I expect that she thinks of herself that way and in every way that has mattered for the last nine years, she has been. Has she not, ashayam?”

Jim bit his lip. “Yeah. You’re right. Yeah. It’s just. I just want to be with you. Thinking about all that hurts and I just don’t want to deal with it.”

“Whether you remember the past or not, I will be by your side.”

“They took you away from me once.”

“Yes.” Spock’s own heart lurched at the memory.

Jim moved their hands until his thumb grazed over the scars on Spock’s wrist. He didn’t meet Spock’s gaze but Jim was trembling and Spock could feel how distraught his t’hy’la was.

“It hurt you,” Jim whispered. “What if you died? What if I never knew you again? What if I remembered but you were gone?”

Spock moved closer to Jim, leaning his forehead against Jim’s. “What I tried to do was selfish. The pain of your loss was so great I saw no other way to escape it. It was wrong. Knowing you have been alive all this time assures me of the wrongness of my choice then. No one will ever separate us again, Jim.”

“I’m scared, Spock.”

“I will help you not be.”

Jim moved so that his head rested on Spock’s shoulder. “Okay. Okay. We’ll go.”

Spock kissed the top of his head.

“It’s still raining though.”

“I will keep you dry.”

****

Jim reached for Spock’s hand just as the apartment door opened. Captain Pike stood there, looking clearly surprised it was them.

“You forget your code to open the door, Jim?” Pike moved aside to allow them entry.

“No. It’s just…I thought…I don’t know.”

“This is still your home. No matter what. You ought to know that.”

“Yes, sir.”

Pike turned to Spock. “It’s good to see you again, Spock.”

“And you as well, Captain.”

“Come on. Might as well have a seat in the living room. You want anything to drink?”

“I could make tea,” Jim offered.

“Good idea. Make mine a coffee though,” Pike said as he and Spock sat.

“Where’s Number One?” Jim asked, not yet going to the kitchen.

“Out to get a few things. She’ll be back shortly.”

Jim nodded and went to the kitchen.

Pike smiled at Spock. “My son tells me you two are bonded. Again.”

“That is true.”

“Any sign of his memory returning?”

Spock shook his head. “Not since the incident with my sweater here in your apartment.”

“My wife told me of her conversation with you. She regrets it.”

“Does she?”

Pike nodded. “She knows she didn’t handle it well. Jim is very important to her. To us. She has a mother’s paranoia where he’s concerned. Perhaps more so because of what he’s been through. She can be overprotective of him.”

“I do not fault her in that,” Spock said quietly. “I share some of those same impulses where Jim is concerned.”

“As do I. But I think Jim is stronger and more resilient than probably the three of us give him credit for.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “His mental capacity is impressive. Even when he was a youth he was capable of shielding things from me no ordinary human should be capable of.”

“That really doesn’t surprise me.”

Jim returned then with a tray. He held two cups of coffee for himself and Pike, and tea for Spock. “So, you two are talking about me behind my back?”

“Yeah,” Pike said with a chuckle. “I was about to congratulate Spock on his formal bond with you. Since you’re here, I’ll say congratulations to you both.”

“Yeah?” Jim looked vaguely suspicious.

“What else would I say? You’re not a kid anymore and obviously you want to be with Spock.”

“Obviously,” Jim agreed.

The door opened and the three of them glanced over. Number One entered the apartment and she was carrying a pink bakery box.

Jim went to the door to help her. He took the box and peered in. “What’s this?”

She smiled and brushed hair off Jim’s forehead. “Sort of a peace offering and a wedding cake all at the same time.”

Jim huffed a laugh. “A wedding cake?”

“Well.” She shrugged. “You kind of got married, right?”

Jim smiled. “Right.”

Number One walked over to where Spock now stood. “I owe you an apology, Spock. I overreacted and said some terrible things.”

“No apology is necessary,” Spock assured her.

She took the box from Jim and set it on the coffee table in the living room. “It was really a birthday cake, I guess, but I had them take the writing off for that and write something for you two instead.”

Jim and Spock both looked down at the cake. In blue icing it said, _Happy Bonding, Jim and Spock._

“Ah, that’s so sweet,” Jim said. “Wait, is that chocolate?”

“Well, yeah. I know you like it so—”

Jim burst out laughing and pointed to Spock.

Number One’s eyes widened. “Damn it. I didn’t even think about that. Sorry, Spock.”

“I have no problem abstaining,” Spock told her.

She shook her head. “I’ll get plates and a knife.”

Jim leaned down to the cake and stuck his finger in the icing.

“Jim, don’t stick your finger in the cake,” Number One called from the kitchen.

“Too late,” Pike said, amused.

Jim put his finger in his mouth and sucked. “Hey, it’s pretty good. It-it—” Jim went completely white. His blue eyes were wide.

“Jim?” Spock felt panic crawling up inside him. He could get no thoughts or emotions from Jim.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear…” Jim took a step back. “Sam. Sam. Sam.”

Spock reached for Jim, pulling his mate close. Jim didn’t even struggle. He just stood rigid, unmoving. Spock’s fingers went to the skin on Jim’s face. Desperate to feel Jim’s thoughts. And then he wished he hadn’t. Jim went limp and Spock went with him, both of them crashing to the floor.  


	26. Do You Remember the Way That You Touched Me Before?

Spock’s thoughts, his visions were no longer his. He had become a thirteen year old boy and his name was James Tiberius Kirk. He was on Tarsus IV living in a larger house than he had ever seen in his thirteen years and yet it was not home. It would never be home. Not with all its luxuries. Its large rooms. Its opulence. Its swimming pool. It was a house that was strange and uncomfortable. Born of blood spilled, of riches bought by greedy men.

Jim had long wondered how Mom had warranted such a home. She was a Starfleet scientist. Not from wealth. Jim had asked her once.

“Oh, Jimmy, sometimes it’s better to just be a kid.”

“But—”

“Just be a kid,” she said sharply. “Stop asking questions.”

Jim turned his curiosity to Sam. Sam was older and wiser. He probably knew things Jim didn’t. Plus Sam had a tendency to listen in on things without Mom knowing.

“How do you think she got this house, kiddo?” Sam had asked softly. “She sold out.”

“What do you mean?”

“The governor and his people made her an offer to help with their cause and she took it.”

“But she works for Starfleet.”

“She sold them out too.”

“Sam, Mom wouldn’t do that.”

Sam had stared at Jim with haunted eyes. Way too old for his young years. “Maybe once. People change, Jim. Even people you love. Maybe Mom thought she was doing something nice for us. I don’t know.”

Jim wanted to talk to Spock but he didn’t want Spock to worry too much. Their parting was very difficult. Spock relied very much on their bond. It had taken a lot of practice. So much practice. But he’d learned how to block Spock from knowing the utter terror Jim had begun to feel each day.

The people around them had begun to realize Winona Kirk worked with Kodos and his scientists. They began to place blame on her and those with her, her sons. Jim and Sam no longer went to school as it had become far too dangerous. Even to leave their homes.

“You have to move my sons to safety. People are attacking our home,” Mom said into her communicator one night. She didn’t know Jim and Sam were listening. But they were, in another room, exchanging looks of fear.

They’d promised they would. Mom had told Jim and Sam they would be moving locations soon.

And then…Sam’s birthday. Sam hadn’t even wanted to celebrate. Mom insisted. She made a birthday cake even. Chocolate.

“Where’d you get the stuff to make that?” Sam asked.

“At the store.”

“There’s no store that has food, Mom.” Sam crossed his arms over his chest. “There’s definitely no one who has something like chocolate. Even synthesized chocolate.”

Mom frowned at him. “Okay. Well I made it at the lab, all right? Does it matter? It’s your birthday and it’s special.”

“Yes, it matters,” Sam said through clenched teeth. “People are _starving_.  They can’t even feed their babies. What the hell are you thinking?”

“Don’t you talk to me that way, George Samuel Kirk. I’m your mother. You respect me.”

“Yeah and why should I? You’ve turned us into allies of an oppressive dictator. People are dying, Mom. And you don’t even care as long as you get what you want.” Sam was angry. Furious.

Jim’s stomach twisted and this time not from hunger. “Can you two not fight?”

“You think you know it all, don’t you, Sam?” Mom was angry now too. And she was yelling and in Sam’s face. Sam was flinching.

Jim couldn’t take it anymore. Spock. Spock. Spock. He needed him. Where was Spock? He didn’t have much power left to communicate with Spock. They kept it low in the hope of controlling the rebellion of the citizens.

When Spock appeared, Jim had to control himself. He didn’t want to show Spock how fucking scared he was. How utterly terrified he was. How hurt and lost. “I don’t have a lot of time, Spock. I can’t afford to use all my power. They’ve turned it off on most of the planet.”

“I cannot feel you.”

Jim shook his head. He felt the push of Spock on their link. He shut it down. “You don’t want inside my head right now.”

Spock gasped. “Then you are shielding.”

“It’s necessary, I’m sorry,” Jim said softly. He hated the hurt he saw in Spock’s eyes. His voice cracked. “It’s bad, Spock. I haven’t-there’s no food or water. Not much. There’s been rioting. People are dead.”

“Dead?”

“Some killed by the fungus or the tainted food. Others—” Jim gulped. _Get it together, Jim. You’re scaring Spock._

“I need to get you away from there.”

“No. You have to stay away, Spock.” He’d die if Spock got hurt. He couldn’t risk it.

“But—”

“I have to go. I’ll try to contact you again. If I can.”

“Jim, Jim, please—”

Jim heard a commotion at the front of the house. Then the front door being blasted open. _Oh no_. “Fuck.”

“Jim? What is it?”

“Someone’s here. I have to go. Now.”

“Ashaya—”

Jim shut his PADD down. He scrambled out of his room and down the stairs. Men. Men from the town next to their house. They had phasers, other weapons. They were enraged.

“Jim!” Sam yelled. “You have to get out of here. Run!”

“No, Sam. I won’t leave you.”

Mom was crying, fighting them. Jim watched as one put a phaser right to her head and fired.

Jim sucked in a breath. He started to shake. This-this-this—

A man grabbed Sam.

_Please don’t. Please don’t. He’s all I have. Please don’t._

Sam met Jim’s gaze. He shook his head at Jim.

Jim’s eyes filled with tears and his heart ached like he had been stabbed.

“No, Sam.”

“Run,” Sam mouthed.

There were men heading toward Jim now where he stood at the food of the stairs. Jim didn’t want to leave Sam, but what about Spock? What would Spock do if Jim didn’t make it? Jim turned and fled toward the back of the house as he heard more phaser fire. His vision blurred as he knew they had just murdered his brother. He got out the back door  and a man grabbed him.

“Come with me, kid,” the man said. “It’s too late for them.”

 

Spock woke with a choked gasp. He was crying, sobbing. Such grief, such sorrow. It was crashing down on him, coming from Jim, so much, so much.

Jim was in his arms crying uncontrollably. They were in a hospital bed, that much Spock could surmise even while they were both filled with so much pain, so much hurt. Spock’s heart was throbbing in his side with the torment. His mind was getting wave after wave of anguish. He could not handle this. It was too much.

“Jim, Jim, it’s all right, you need to calm down. Jim.” Pike’s voice. He was reaching for Jim, trying to take him away from Spock.

Spock growled.

“No, Spock. I’m not taking him from you. Not really. I just need to separate you two.”

Spock growled louder. He began to fight with Pike.

“Damn it, Spock. I need to separate you two. It’s going to cause you damage. Stop!” Jim was removed from his arms and Spock lost consciousness.

 

When Spock woke again he was in the hospital bed by himself.

“Jim?”

Spock turned his head frantically. Then he saw him. Jim was in the hospital bed next to Spock. He appeared to be sleeping. No one was in the room with them at the moment. Spock rose from his bed and walked over to Jim’s. He was wearing a hospital gown. Spock had no recollection of how this came to be. Jim wore one too.

His mate was pale but otherwise he looked all right. Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s face and though he did not try a meld, he got the surface emotions of his t’hy’la. His mind appeared to be functioning with no encumbrances and his sleep was peaceful, calm, the sorrow was gone or at least greatly muted.

Spock lifted the covers that surrounded Jim and he slipped into the bed with him, pulling Jim close so that Jim’s head rested on Spock’s chest.

No one would separate them again. No one.  


	27. I Want You to Stay

Spock knew his t’hy’la was awake even before he himself opened his eyes. He was coming to consciousness with Jim’s thoughts in his head.

_Sam miss Sam brother took care of me hurt horror want Spock please where’s Spock save me save me_

Spock opened his eyes and met startling blue. Spock moved his hand to Jim’s heart and rested it there. They were still in the hospital bed and Jim was lying on top of Spock.

“T’hy’la,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Making you go through that. Having to see what I did.”

Spock shook his head. “I would spare you that and more.  It grieves me you have had so much pain.”

Jim just stared at him, lips slightly parted.

“How do you feel, my Jim?”

“My head hurts. My sinuses. Too much crying.” Jim placed his hand over Spock’s. “And you? You cried too.”

“All I care about is you, ashal-veh.” He turned his hand over and linked their fingers. “How much do you recall?”

“All that came before Tarsus, when we bonded. And until my mom and Sam’s death.” Jim winced. “I don’t really remember what happened after that. I try to, but…then I just remember when Chris and Number One brought me home.”

“Do not force it, Jim. Perhaps it is better you do not recall it.”

“Maybe.” Jim looked around. “Where are we?”

“A hospital, I believe.”

“A hospital?” Jim looked panicked. “Do they-do they think I’m crazy?”

“No, Jim. I believe they were frightened when we collapsed and did not know what our condition was.”

“Well, well, this is mighty cozy,” McCoy drawled from the foot of the bed.

“Bones!” Jim brightened instantly.

Dr. McCoy’s gaze softened instantly as he stepped over to the side of the bed closest to Jim. “Hey, kid.”

“Bones, I don’t need to be in here.”

“Yeah, yeah, I knew you’d say that.” He glanced at Spock. “You know you have your own hospital bed.”

Spock merely arched a brow at him.

McCoy, having not gotten a rise out of Spock, turned his gaze back to Jim. “Anyway, I know the doctor who has your care. Dr. Boyce. I’ve talked to him and they’re probably going to release the two of you this afternoon.”

“How long have we been here?” Jim asked.

“Just overnight. As Romeo here guessed, they had you in here as a precaution when you collapsed. But everything checks out.” McCoy reached over and patted Jim’s shoulder. “They do want you back here for a psych eval but it can wait a few days.”

“Bones, I’m not crazy.”

Dr. McCoy snorted. “I don’t think you are, Jim. But you just had mental trauma. You too, Spock.”

“Me, doctor?”

“Yes, you. You faced the same mental trauma Jim did. The two of you were balling like a couple of snotty babies.”

“Bones.”

“Yeah, yeah, be nice to the hobgoblin.” McCoy sighed and stared at them. “Married, huh?”

“Bonded,” Spock corrected. “But essentially correct.”

Jim glanced at Spock with a smile. “Actually, Bones, we’ve been bonded for years. Since we were just a couple of kids.”

“I take it you remember your time on Vulcan.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah.” He lowered his gaze. “And Mom. And…Sam.”

Spock could feel Jim’s sorrow come back fully to his thoughts. He projected love and comfort to his mate as best he could.

McCoy squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “You’ll have to tell me about them sometime.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go see about those forms to have you two released. Captain Pike and Number One are outside. They’ll be in shortly.” McCoy moved away, leaving their room.

“I am sorry for the loss of your mother and brother, Jim.”

“It hurts,” Jim whispered. “I can’t believe they’re gone. And-and Sam. He didn’t deserve that. He just…Spock.” Jim buried his face in Spock’s chest.

“I know, t’hy’la. You are grieving. You were not given the time before. But I am here. I will always be here.”

****

“We’d really like you to stay with us here at the apartment tonight, Jim,” Captain Pike told Jim, as he and Number One escorted Jim and Spock inside.

“But, Spock—”

“Will stay, too, of course.” Pike smiled at Spock. “Don’t worry. We have no intention of separating you two. The bedroom’s all set up with new sheets. Your friend, Leonard McCoy, sent over some of your belongings too, so you’d both be comfortable.”

“That is kind of you,” Spock said quietly. Jim was clinging to him still. Had been clinging to him ever since they were released from the hospital. On the ride here, up the lift. He had been plastered to Spock’s side.

“Okay then,” Jim agreed. “Sure.”

Number One was smiling brightly. Almost too brightly. Spock could feel her tension. “Jim, would you like to make tea with me in the kitchen?”

“Yeah.” Jim took a step forward. Then stopped. He looked back at Spock.

“I will come with you.”

Jim gave him a relieved smile and Spock saw the exchanged look between Pike and Number One. Spock understood what was happening. Jim was still dealing with the death of his family, even though it had happened years before, and he was afraid of losing Spock, too. Perhaps his subconscious was even recalling losing Spock at thirteen, for essentially he had. His t’hy’la did not want to let him out of his sight. Spock had some of the same feelings, though much more muted.

All four of them ended up going into the kitchen together, which would have been vaguely amusing if it wasn’t because Jim was afraid.

Jim did step away from Spock to go stand beside Number One. He smiled at her. “I can do it. You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to. I—” Her voice cracked, faltered. From where Spock stood he could see her bottom lips tremble. She sniffed.

“Hey.” Jim touched her arm. “Are you crying?”

“No.”

“Yeah, you are.” Jim turned her toward him, grabber her forearms. “I’m here now. I’m okay. What’s wrong?”

Number One shook her head.

“You know, you’re still my mom, right?” Jim asked, gently. ‘Because you are. I miss my mom. My first mom. But that doesn’t change who you are. Remembering them, doesn’t take away from you.” Jim glanced over at Pike, who stood beside Spock. “And you’re my dad. You guys know, right?”

“I—.” Pike cleared his throat. “I know.”

“Oh, Jim.” Number One threw her arms around Jim and he pulled her close.

Spock could not deny the emotions in the kitchen made him uncomfortable, though he did understand them. He tilted his head at Pike, who nodded, and left the kitchen to go to the bedroom he knew belonged to Jim.

As Captain Pike had indicated, there were two small overnight bags left on the bed that contained clothing of his and of Jim’s. Spock unpacked them both and put the items in a nearby dresser.

“Spock?” Jim came into the room.

“I am here.”

“Sorry about that. Too much?”

“Perhaps a little,” Spock acknowledged.

Jim sat on the bed. “Guess they were worried.”

“Understandable under the circumstances. But you were able to reassure them of your continued affection.” Spock was surprised by Jim’s smile.

“I love the way you talk.”

Spock quirked a brow.

“Sit.” Jim patted the bed next to him. Spock sat. Jim turned to him and lifted the gold chain out from Spock’s sweater. His thumb grazed the locket.

“I did say I would always wear it,” Spock said, his voice sounding unexpectedly deep to his own ears.

“You did. I remember.” Jim’s gaze met his. There was so much love in Jim’s blue eyes that Spock’s breath caught.

“You learned to shield? To block our bond? How?”

“I just kept practicing techniques I read about. It was easier than I thought it would be.”

“You have a remarkable mind. Most humans are psi-null, however, you have always had traces of it in your mind. I knew that.” Spock cupped Jim’s jaw. “I would have preferred you did not hide from me, ashayam.”

“There was so much pain.”

“Which is why I would have rather shared our link.”

“You would have been too upset.”

Spock knew he would have to argue this with Jim again, for he did not want Jim to block things from him Jim deemed unpleasant, but for now, he let it go. “Mother will wish to see you.”

“I want to see her too. Can we go to Vulcan?”

“We will definitely go,” Spock assured his mate. He kissed Jim, who returned the kiss with startling passion. When they broke away, their breathing had increased. “Your parents have tea waiting.”

“Uh-huh. And little appetizers and desserts too. Cookies.” Jim nipped Spock’s bottom lip.

“Jim.” Spock sucked Jim’s lip into his mouth. Jim moaned. “Ashaya, we do not have time.”

Jim sighed. “I know.” He rested his head on Spock’s shoulder. He made no effort to move.

“You are all right?” Spock asked softly.

“No. But I guess I will be. Just…stay with me.”

“Forever.”


	28. In This LIfe

Spock woke to the incredible feel of a mouth on his member. It took him a moment to become fully conscious, but when he did, it was to gaze down in the darkness of the bedroom to see the shadowed blond head bobbing up and down on Spock’s erection.

“Jim,” he gasped, pushing up into the moist heat of Jim’s mouth. He dug his fingers into the sheets of the bed. Their bed. For they had returned this night to the dorm room Jim now shared with Spock after spending one night at the Pike apartment.

His sleeping robe had been pushed aside to allow Jim access and Spock undid the ties, slipping it off his shoulder so that he no longer wore it. Jim hummed his approval and Spock sent amusement through their link.

Jim’s hands grasped Spock’s bare thighs as he sucked with renewed vigor. Spock closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He should probably stop Jim before he came in his t’hy’la’s mouth, but Spock found he was enjoying Jim’s ministrations too much to stop him.

Moans fell from his lips, unbidden, but seemingly unstoppable. He slid his fingers into Jim’s hair, to stop him or to urge him to keep going, Spock was not sure himself.  But as his hips moved and Jim sucked him in deeper still, Spock lost himself to the orgasm slamming through him, his balls emptying down Jim’s throat with a cry Spock could not contain.

Jim released him and slid up Spock’s body, burying his face in Spock’s neck.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered, his throat raw from screaming.

“Okay?”

“More than okay. It was amazing.”

He felt Jim’s smile against his neck even as he slipped his hand inside Jim’s sleep shorts.

“Fuck,” Jim groaned, his hands clutching at Spock. “Please.”

“Shh. I have you,” Spock assured him. He continued stroking Jim’s erect cock, doing it just how he had already learned Jim preferred it, long, smooth strokes, his thumb flicking across the tip.

“Spock, Spock, oh God, Spock,” Jim moaned, clinging to him.

His bondmate jerked and gasped and then splurted all over Spock’s fingers and in his shorts.

Spock pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Jim, and then flipping him so Jim lay on his back while Spock’s lips covered his. He sent as much love through their link as he could.

Jim’s eyes were shining.

****

Jim was unusually quiet as they boarded the shuttle for Vulcan. He kept his gaze down as he headed up the ramp and once they took their seats, he closed his eyes and kept his hands folded in his lap.

“Jim?”

“Hmm?”

“May I know the nature of your disquiet?”

Jim opened his eyes and glanced at Spock. “I’m not disquieted. I’m nervous.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to meet your parents, Spock.”

“You have met them before,” Spock pointed out.

“Everything is different from those days. And I’m different.”

“They will love you as they did before.”

Jim shook his head. “How can you be so sure?”

“Everyone loves you, Jim.”

Jim smiled then and reached for Spock’s hand. Spock gladly took it. “Not everyone. And anyway, you’re the one I care about.”

“No matter what my mother and father think of you, I will love you. But they will approve, I promise you.”

“Okay.” Jim went to tug his hand away from Spock’s, but Spock held fast and Jim’s gaze flew to Spock’s in surprise. After a moment, he smiled and leaned his head on Spock’s shoulder.

****

Mother was waiting for them in the doorway of their house on Vulcan and the minute she spotted Jim, her arms opened wide and she smiled warmly.

Jim smiled in return and to Spock’s relief he did not hesitate at all the go right into Mother’s arms.

“Oh, Jim,” she exclaimed, hugging him tight. “It’s so good to see you, to feel you.” She pulled back slightly “And my God, you’re just adorable.”

Jim blushed but laughed. “You look good too, Amanda.”

She looked at Spock. “And I can see how happy you’ve made my son.”

“Mother.”

“Well, come inside my boys. Sarek is waiting. He’s far too dignified to come out here like I did.”

She did not let go of Jim but hauled him inside the house with Spock following after her, carrying their bags. Spock could smell the delicious odor of her vegetarian lasagna cooking. He was not surprised. She only made it on special occasions.

“Oh, my God,” Jim said. “Is that your lasagna I smell?”

Mother beamed. “You remembered!”

“Yeah, I guess I did. Oh God, now I’m starving.”

Mother still had hold of Spock’s mate. He suspected it would be a while before she let go. He could well understand the sentiment.

“You remember Sarek, don’t you, Jim?”

For a moment, Jim just stared at Father, who in typical fashion stared back. Then Jim broke into a smile and Father blinked. “Of course I do. Hello, sir. It is great to see you.”

“And it is likewise great to see you,” Father replied, not sounding nearly as stoic as usual. “My wife and I are very pleased that Spock’s mate has been found and returned to him.”

“Well, come into the kitchen with me, Jim. And I’ll get you something to drink.”

Jim hardly had a choice but to go with Mother as she was clutching him. Spock barely hid his amusement as Jim looked back at him with a grin.

Spock hung back for just a moment, though his inclination was to follow.

“You are adjusting well?” Father asked.

“Yes. My studies at the Academy are nearly complete.”

“But Jim has longer at the Academy, does he not?”

Spock nodded. “I will likely take a teaching position there until we can be assigned to a ship together. As you are aware, they will not separate a bonded pair.”

“Do you wish to have the bonding ceremony again that you had with Jim as children?”

“It will not be necessary. Jim and I have fully bonded.”

“Very well,” Father said. He inclined his head. “You may follow him into the kitchen if you wish.”

Spock hoped he was not blushing. “Am I that obvious?”

“Yes.”

Spock arched a brow and went into the kitchen. In time to hear…

“Spock adored you from the start,” Mother said.

“Really? He didn’t act like it.”

“Oh believe me. I remember the first time he saw ‘that human boy next store’.” Mother chuckled. “He was very disdainful.”

Jim laughed. “Then how can you say he liked me?”

“Because he wouldn’t stop looking out the window at you or your house and he kept talking about you even when he tried to pretend it was to complain about you.”

“Mother,” Spock interrupted.

Jim was now seated on a kitchen stool which Mother had moved into the kitchen for him to perch on while she continued dinner. He was holding a cup of tea. He gifted Spock with a breathtaking smile.

“Spock hates it when I tell stories about his childhood. It embarrasses him.”

“Vulcans do not feel embarrassment, Mother.”

“Oh, I did forget.” She was smiling.

****

Later that evening after meditation, Spock found Jim in their room, standing by the window, staring out at the house next door.

Spock came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Jim, drawing him close. “Jim?”

Jim leaned back against him. “Hi. I remember this room. And that house. I loved living here.” He shook his head. “I never wanted to leave.”

“Nor did I wish for you to do so.”

“Even if it hadn’t turned out to be the disaster it was, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave.”

“I know.” Spock kissed Jim’s ear. “No one will separate us again, t’hy’la.”

“Someday we will. There will be a time when you outlive me,” Jim whispered.

Spock’s heart clenched. “Not for a long time. It is not good to dwell on it.”

Jim sagged against Spock. “I can remember when she told me and Sam about leaving here. Sam didn’t react much but I cried. He always tried to be so strong, for me I think.” His eyes welled with tears. “I miss him so much.”

“I would do anything I could to bring him back if it were possible, ashayam. I would have done anything to spare you the pain of what happened. And of the memories.”

“I still can’t remember everything. When Kodos … it hurts when I even try.”

“Perhaps you will never remember everything. And perhaps it is best if you do not.”

“Yeah,” Jim whispered. “You’re right.” He turned in Spock’s arms. He grasped the locket he had given Spock. “When I die, you have to promise you won’t do anything, like you did before.”

“T’hy’la.”

“I mean it.”

“I was young and vulnerable. I was not prepared to lose my sun. My Las’hark.”  

Jim narrowed his eyes. “You’re not promising.”

“Because I do not wish to discuss your death.” Spock kissed him soft and sweet. “I may perish before you. There are many possibilities.”

“I love you. So much.”

“And you are my life, my Las’hark.”

Jim turned back around to gaze out and up. “Someday, you and I will be up there on a ship.”

“Indeed.”

“I’ll be the captain and you … you will be my side. As my first officer.”

“Not science?”

“That too.” Jim sighed. “I dreamed it once.”

“What, my ashal-veh?”

“That you and I were on a ship called the Enterprise. We were together. You were by my side, as if you’ve always been there and always will. In another life.”

Spock shook his head and kissed the side of Jim’s neck. “It was not another life, Jim. It is the life we will have.”

Jim smiled and closed his eyes. “I can’t wait.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this. I've been working on it a while. I decided to leave it vague as to whether or not JIm will ever remember the torture he faced in the hands of Kodos. A sequel perhaps when they are on the Enterprise? Maybe. But for now, this one is done. Thanks for reading.


End file.
